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TLO 50: The Craziest, Wildest and Most Popular Stories of 2018 (Part 4)

9:07 AM EST on December 29, 2018

Welcome back to our year in review! If you missed yesterday's post, click here to get caught up on some of the craziest, funniest, and most important stories that we published in 2018. These are published in chronological order, so today we'll be going back over some of the best posts from autumn. Share your memories of these wild and sometimes awful moments in the comments!

20- OK Health Department launches Schrute-inspired investigation over missing $80…

Published: August 22, 2018

What We Said: "The new gig is apparently a job that Smalling takes very seriously. To get to the bottom of the $80 whodunnit, he launched a full investigation that would make any authoritarian, strong-armed member of the secret police proud, and promptly sent the following interrogation form to all of the employees at the El Reno branch of the Canadian County Health Department. The questionnaire is a mesh between something you’d read in 1984 and watch on The Office."

Why It Was Crazy:
Even though it's about smack-dab in the middle, this is probably the funniest TLO post of the year to me. The whole thing is nearly too-good-to-be-true, but also absolutely true-enough-to-be-true. I mean...


19- Remington Park Casino at 3 A.M.

Published:August 30, 2018

What We Said: "The casino is relatively quiet tonight, or maybe it is every night. Sure, you have the constant buzzers and invasive bells going off with regular precision, but no one is talking, no one is laughing, no one seems all that happy to be here. I walk around the gaming tables and vaunted slots, ignored by just about everyone. As I sit down at a Liberty 7’s machine, a woman next to me wins a couple thousand bucks playing dimes. If I won even a scant few dollars, I’d be ecstatic; she just sighs with a Virginia Slims dangling out of her mouth, continuing to bet her winnings down to nothing."

Why It Was Crazy: If you're not part of the local casino culture, it's easy to forget that it exists.


18- New OKC Cock Ring Erected in Downtown!

Published: September 4, 2018

What We Said: "According to the Mole, the purpose of the Cock Ring is to A) hide a new power transformer for the streetcar and B) provide a gathering spot for immature Oklahomans of all ages to meet while cruising around downtown on their little motorized scooters. I heard via the Ogle Mole Network that Devon chairman Larry Nichols was so impressed by the enclosure that he’s considering building a gigantic replica to fit around the base of the Devon Tower."

Why It Was Crazy:
Oklahoma City cannot fucking figure out the proper way to handle public art. First, we had the octopus, then the Film Row mural controversy, and after all that was said and done, the city decided, 'Sure, a big metal ring that says 'COCK' all over it, let's do it!'


17- Breaking News – Joe Exotic indicted in murder for hire plot!!!

Published: September 7, 2018

What We Said: "Earlier this year, we ranked Joe Exotic number one in our Oklahoma gubernatorial candidate rankings. The rationale was “Oklahoma is finally at the point where only a foul-mouthed, openly gay, marijuana-smoking tiger zoo operator with his own promotional line of condoms can save us.” I guess I should have added “who wants to kill his enemies” to that reasoning."

Why It Was Crazy: We all knew Joe had a few screws loose, but I don't think any of us suspected that his whole motor was falling apart to this extent. Being an abusive zookeeper-turned presidential/gubernatorial candidate is one thing, but hiring professional killers to off people is a whole new level.


16- OK House Candidate went on a Kid Rock Party Cruise…

Published: September 17, 2018

What We Said: "That’s bizarre. I didn’t know the Kid Rock party cruise was on a real boat on a real ocean. I figured it was just a bunch of rednecks with 500 rafts tied together floating down a river. I guess having good taste in music has made me being oblivious to the idiocracy growing around me."

Why It Was Crazy:
There's enough Kid Rock fans out there to fill an ocean liner, but it's not the Titanic. This is proof that there is no true karmic justice in our universe.


15- 6 Things We’ll Probably See on the New Sonic/Arby’s Menu

Published: September 26, 2018

What We Said: "As someone who can honestly say they have refrained from ordering a drink with their Arby’s combo meal so they can drive 3 miles out of the way buy a Dr. Pepper with the “good ice” at Sonic, I can’t tell you exactly what it would mean for me if Arby’s adopted Sonic’s ice. But I’m guessing it would mean at least $5 in weekly saved gas money."

Why It Was Crazy:
Arby's is on a hellride to destroy everything that we love in Oklahoma. First, they bought out our beloved Sonic, and now they've moved into destroying the beautiful old signs that dotted our decaying landscape.


14- 792: The Price of Modernization

Published: September 26, 2018

What We Said: "Until all of this fallout from 792 settles in the months to come, there seems to be just as many known and unknown factors. Any time an entire economy has to make major shifts, it’s difficult to predict what will happen. Consumer habits will mutate with the times, and businesses will be forced to figure out how to evolve with them."

Why It Was Crazy:
It's still really weird getting adjusted to this major change in consumer choices. The main difficulty that this article didn't address is how much distribution has changed, and how hard it is for shops to get rare and allocated product. So please, PLEASE, stop going to your local liquor store and asking for Blanton's or Buffalo Trace, cuz you ain't gonna get it now.


13- The Oklahoman has been sold…

Published: September 27, 2018

What We Said: "Earlier today, The Oklahoman announced it has been acquired by Gatehouse Media. It’s the huge, out-of-state conglomerate to which “The State’s Most Trusted News” outsourced it’s page design, copy editing and layout to back in 2016. It’s also the owner of The Oklahoman’s main business news rival – The Journal Record."

Why It Was Crazy:
The Oklahoman has been problematic since forever, and legit journalism is rapidly spiraling down the sink across the nation due to media companies like Gatehouse.


12- OU law professor doesn’t like women wearing pants…

Published: October 2, 2018

What We Said: "Over the past month, McCall has been the focus of a social justice investigation by the OU Daily. It’s revealed that McCall has collaborated with various anti-Semitic hate groups, and is also a homophobic misogynist who believes a woman’s place is in the home spitting out babies and knitting jean dresses out of respect for men. I guess that explains why he’s chosen to live and work in Oklahoma – a like-minded place where a lot of people share those same views."

Why It Was Crazy:
If there's anything we've learned about OU this year, they've got hella problematic staff. Between all the turmoil at the top, and the creepaziods who have taught there, it might be too much for most people if the school's defense crumbles against Alabama.


11- Lawmakers and school superintendent team up in political attack against Oklahoma teacher

Published: October 9, 2018

What We Said: "About a month or so ago, Jeffers was teaching her AP Senior English class when she learned the school had a special visitor – Oklahoma Senator Paul Rosino (guy to the left). Crooked Oak is in Rosino’s senate district, so the visit wasn’t out of the ordinary. He was there to say “Hi,” meet students and teachers, and subtly campaign and increase his visibility while answering softball questions about how oil lobbyists’ bills become law. You know, typical lawmaker visiting the local school type of stuff."

Why It Was Crazy:
Rosino still has his seat, Jeffers lost her race for the house, and Oklahoma is still firmly addled in the fever swear grips of Trump's Brainworm.

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