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6 ways OKC-Metro highways will kill you

9:48 AM EDT on June 19, 2018

I drive on the highway every single Sunday when I go to my parents' house. I hate the experience. And now you guys are gonna hear about it.

I think the one thing we, as Oklahomans, can all agree on is that Oklahomans suck at highway driving. It's the one thing that everyone seems to talk about when you mention how traffic made you late. It's the one thing that Twitter generally agrees with me on. And it's the one thing that absolutely drives me crazy about leaving Norman.

I'm not sure if Oklahoma driver's ed needs to cover highway driving more, or if the highways are actually designed to end your life. But I do know that these are the 6 ways OKC-Metro highways will kill you.

Construction Zones

I would like to state directly that the construction zones themselves are not the problem. If you're an Oklahoman and can remember a time that there were no construction projects on the highways in the metro area, I think you're a liar. Construction is part of driving on the highway here, so I just accept it and move on. What I don't accept are the people who drive 80 through the construction zones. Like, y'all see the construction signs on the Broadway extension, right? You see where it goes from 45 MPH to 35 MPH, right? Why are we going so fast through those curves? Does everyone really just want to die?


Gigantic Potholes

Back in the day, I drove a Honda Civic with some low profile tires. Those tires were the dumbest things ever, because every twenty minutes or so, I'd hit a pothole on an Oklahoma road, and then I'd get one of those big tire bubbles on the side of the tire. Those are supposedly really dangerous, and they tell you to change your tires immediately after you get one of those. Which is probably a lie created by the tire industry to ensure I spent at least $600 a year on tires. Anyway, the street potholes weren't so bad. But the highway potholes were terrible. Especially when you had no where to swerve in rush hour traffic. That was always a guaranteed blowout.


Swerving to Miss Highway Pedestrians

You will never hear me call Oklahoma City or it's surrounding areas particularly walkable, but that sure doesn't stop people from walking down the highway. Whether they're on the shoulder, stumbling down the grassy verge, or just walking across the highway like a chicken crossing the road, Oklahoma has a lot of highway walkers. I don't know where they're going, but I do know that they raise my driving anxiety by like 85%, especially when people are swerving to avoid them every few minutes.


Fly-Away Mattresses

I have never moved a mattress before, so I don't know the effort it takes, or hard it is. But I do know this. If you're going to tie a mattress down to the roof of a Hyundai Accent, you have to mean it, dammit. Kitchen twine or embroidery floss ain't gonna cut it. And your friend sticking his hand out the window to hold it down isn't going to do much if you're going 60. Also, maybe if you're transporting a mattress in the most ridiculous way possible, you don't get to take the highway. Just a thought.


Left Lane Brakers

Remember when a law was passed to prevent people from impeding the flow of traffic in the left lane? Remember how it was enforced for like 20 minutes? Thems was the days. Now, the left lane is a great place for a Mercedes SUV with Texas plates going 55. It's also a great place for Grandaddy in his GMC Sierra to do his rubber neckin' of the other side of the highway. Do not get in the left lane and think you're going to pass people. Someone will get in front of you, and shut that right on down.


Frequent Lane Changers

If your daily commute includes highway driving, I feel for you. I used to have that commute, and the one constant was the asshole in s0me Pontiac sports car changing lanes and trying to go around everyone, even though everyone was basically going twenty feet, and then stopping. I like to think that this person winds up in the wrong lane and ends up on the H.E. Bailey Turnpike somewhere, but it's been my experience that most highway drivers never get their comeuppance.


Marisa recently went from living close enough to walk to work every day to driving, and has yet to recover. Follow her on Twitter.

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