The commute is the sort of thing that can break a person. I've personally watched it destroy my father until his only condition for a job was "close." We called it "whiteline madness."
Now I carry on the proud family tradition of spending too many unbearable hours a week in a car driving to and from work. Many friends suggested that I should listen to new music, comedy, podcasts, take a new route, or even buy a new car to spice up the drive. I, on the other hand, found these other activities work better:
1. Counting things
The human brain naturally groups things together, so use this marvelous feat to your advantage! Count how many of the nation's worst bridges and underpasses you drive on and how many potholes you hit, then thank your lucky stars you made it in today. How many pieces of trash fly out of an open truck bed or what gang tags adorn the walls of your turnoff? Find all of the unfunny Lamar billboards and roll your eyes for the umpteenth time as you pass those Chick-fil-A cows up to no good. My personal favorite is to count the Truck Nutz on the Ford F-150 King Ranch Extended Cab Oklahoma Limited Editions and see if it's a cowboy. I'm always met and rewarded with a rough ol' dude mustache and cowboy hat, God bless America!
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2. Make a commute buddy/enemy
You know them. That same guy or gal in the car with the stickers/ding/paint job/etc that you always see on the same part of the road at the same time every day. Instead of ignoring them as usual, give them a friendly wave, thumbs up or smile. Maybe they even frequent the same Santiagos McDonald's as you, so why not buy their breakfast and pass on the friendly feelings? Or if you'd like to go on a more exciting route, fly that bird, honk that horn, ride their ass and really take your anger out on them! (The Lost Ogle does not condone road rage or rough ol' dude behavior behind the wheel) I like to be a little more passive aggressive and blast NPR next to the guy who's bumper proudly states that he doesn't believe the liberal media. Robert Siegel's voice really has a resonance that drives the unbeliever crazy.
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3. Trashketball
If you're like me, you've got some junk in your car and are deep in the throes of March Madness. Only one of them needs to go. So next time while you're sitting in traffic on I-35, pretend you're Westbrook shooting a 3 at the buzzer and toss your junk in the nearest open truck bed. Braum's cups have a great weight and grip, perfect for the game winning shot. As stated before, rough ol' dudes love putting trash in their open truck beds and letting it randomly fly out as they barrel down the interstate. I feel like I'm just giving them a leg up on their competition. Bonus points if you're driving a Prius.
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4. Break down roulette
This one is not for the faint of heart and paranoid that everyone is out to get you, but it's simple enough for anyone to play. Just pull over on the side of the road, engage those hazard lights and see who shows up! Will it be the normal citizen who asks if you've called roadside assistance? Could it be the rough ol' dude who's got just the perfect tool to fix it and has been chomping at the bit to use it? Hopefully, your commute buddy sees you, remembers that egg McMuffin you bought him and pulls over to help and finally learn your name.
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5. Cause a wreck
Now I'm not talking about a full on 20 car pile up with multiple fatalities, just a little fender bending. I have Allstate's accident forgiveness and am just dying to use it in the worst way! Maybe I'm pushing it and enjoy a little pain with my pleasure, but this just seems like the best way to get out of something you don't really want to go to. Test it out and see if your wife gets mad at you for missing the birth of her sister's fifth child. You have my permission.
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Dylan is a music teacher who plays in a few bands, enjoys longboarding, beers, D&D, nerd shit, guns, Hu Hot and Greek House. Your typical Okie, born and bred.
