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News 9 found the Reptile King of Oklahoma…

11:50 AM EST on November 18, 2016

Last week, word leaked out that the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife busted some dude in south Oklahoma City for keeping over 160 species of exotic reptiles on his property, including poisonous snakes, an alligator and something that resembled Sally Kern. He was caught after water resources employees stumbled onto his property thinking they were investigating a water line break, only to discover the guy was filling up a Mr. Turtle swimming pool for his alligator or whatever.

The potential clickable headline got the attention of the local news media, so Channel 9 scrambled Bob Mills Ranger 9 to get some aerial shots of the scene:


I know news helicopters serve a valuable purpose. They can easily track severe weather, and who doesn't like to watch a good car chase every now and then. But is that really the best use of helicopter resources? I think some aspects of the Lizard Man's lair should be left to the imagination.

Fortunately, News 9 doesn't know when or how to give up. After promising the Lizard Man a month's supply of mealworms, he shed his skin for the camera in a follow-up news report. Here he is. Meet the Reptile King of Oklahoma!


Really? That's it? Although I appreciate the Stevie Wonder sunglasses and yellow bicycle shirt, he looks more like my dad's pot dealer than a reptile king. News 9 could have at least hired an image consultant to dress him up like Crocodile Dundee and wrap a snake around his shoulder. Then the story would have gone viral, and we both would have received more pageviews. Get your act together News 9!

Anyway, you can view the entire News 9 story here. The dude actually seems like a cool guy, and admits that "you just can't be a wildman" and that the wildlife department "gave him a spanking."

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