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10 Things We Learned on Election Night in Oklahoma

3:29 PM EST on November 10, 2016

donald trump hipster boo boo

It doesn't feel real yet, does it?

Like most people who are skeptical and weary of crooked shysters, I'm still not 100% sure what to think about Donald Trump being our next president. I'm not as terrified as some of my liberal and progressive friends, but I am concerned by the uncertainty of what's next. Trump's a vulgar, short-tempered, fast-talking, manipulative, perverted, sleazy, egotistical con man. Outside of some sex scandals, political gaffes, and more politically incorrect comments about minorities, women and the disabled, I don't think anyone knows what he'll do once he's in the oval office.

There's a lot of blame to go around for Donald being elected. You can blame the media for creating the monster and then losing control of it once it finally attacked the village. You can blame racists bigots for being racist bigots. You can blame simple-minded voters who fell for the words of a high-profile con man who – if he wasn't born into wealth and privilege – would probably be gathering up folks to play a game of musical chairs at David Stanley Chrysler Jeep Dodge.

Ultimately, though, I think most of the blame should fall on Hillary Clinton. If she really wanted what's best for America, she would have pushed aside her personal ambitions and lust for power and never ran for President. She would have realized that – fair or not – she's a polarizing, disliked political cartoon, and it was in the country's best interest for a different candidate to run on the Democratic ticket. Obviously, she didn't do any of that. She did the opposite and pulled every DNC puppet's string that she could to secure the nomination. As a result, Donald Trump is going to be the most powerful man in the world.

Once again, it doesn't feel real yet, does it?

Anyway, there are plenty of presidential hot takes and think pieces out there on the Internet. Go find one that's right for you. But before you do, let's look at what we learned from election night in Oklahoma...


1. Mary Fallin is probably moving to Washington DC...

Like most people, Donald Trump likes to help his friends and punish his enemies. Considering that Mary Fallin was one of the first governors to publicly support him, has DC experience, is a rare female Trump supporter, and is extremely disliked in her own state, I wouldn't be surprised if Trump named her to a high-profile cabinet position.

Right now, the one that makes the most sense is Energy Secretary. Early reports and rumors had Harold Hamm as the shoe-in for the position, but he recently issued a statement saying he's "committed" to Continental Resources. Considering Harold is a billionaire who probably wants to avoid the spotlight and scrutiny of a high-profile government position, that seems like a good call. He'd be better off putting a controllable energy industry puppet in the position instead. If that's the case, I can't think of a more perfect puppet for the energy industry than Mary Fallin. She's played the role well as the Governor of Oklahoma, and would probably do a better job as Energy Secretary. That may suck for America, but at least we'd finally get her out of Oklahoma.


2. Oklahomans will still be able greet their president with Confederate Flags...

Only this time around, it will be as a show of support and not blatantly racist intimidation.

3. Holy shit, we didn't go all religious wacko and vote for 790!

Out of all the state question results, this one was the most shocking. How in the name of Hobby Lobby did this happen? 57% of the Oklahoma voters wisely decided that "prohibiting the government from using public money or property for the direct or indirect benefit of any religion or religious institution" is actually a decent idea. I guess this proves that not every Oklahoman is a theocratic religious zealot and that most of us actually respect the separation of church and state.

That being said, the religious zealots still want to fight the good fight:

“This state question provided Oklahoma with an excellent opportunity to protect religious liberty and public expressions of faith,” said the Rev. Anthony Jordan, executive director of the Oklahoma Baptist convention.

“While I am disappointed SQ 790 did not pass, I know that Southern Baptists will continue to contend for religious liberty in Oklahoma and this nation in the years ahead.”

Hmmn. Maybe instead of trying to remove the Blaine Amendment from the constitution, they should fight for a State Question that would have added the word "non-Christian" after "Any." I bet that would pass easily.


4. Holy shit, we didn't go all anti-government wacko and vote for 777!

This was another shocker. I figured SQ 777 would pass pretty easily, but it was defeated by a 20% margin. It was a sad day for all corporate, out of state owners of Oklahoma hog farms.



5. Oklahoma voters are changing...

On the topic of state questions...

I voted on the winning side of every state question. Knowing that, I think it's safe to say the Oklahoma electorate is starting to change. Think about it. In one election, Oklahoma voters upheld the separation of church and state, and took a stand against anti-government rhetoric by saying they do not want to exempt one specific industry from rules and regulation. They also loosened sentencing on drug crimes and said it was okay to buy wine at the convenience store. It's like we turned into California for a day or something.

Obviously, this change in the Oklahoma electorate means that State Democrats were able to finally win some local elections and help balance out the power in state government...



6. The state Democratic party is a bigger joke than the national party...

Oklahoma is dealing with a struggling economy, well-publicized education and budget funding crisis, and only a few days before the election, experienced another unnerving man-made earthquake courtesy of your local energy industry. It was a great opportunity for Democrats to make gains in the legislature, and at the very least, block a super majority in the state house and senate.

Obviously, none of that happened. State Democrats were able to flip a couple of urban house districts, but that's it. In fact, they actually lost seats in the Senate! I know Oklahoma is a red state filled with its fair share of conservative, backwards thinking racists who love to vote against their own economic interests in the name of divisive wedge issues, but how does that happen?! The party's inability to find good candidates, communicate a message of change, and capitalize on the failures of an unpopular governor, legislature and presidential candidate is an embarrassing failure. The party needs new leadership at all levels.



7. It still sucks to be a teacher in Oklahoma...

I was against SQ 779, but it wouldn't have bothered me if it passed. If a majority of our citizens think a regressive tax is the way to pay for teacher raises, so be it. The proposition didn't pass, though, and the deflated education funding ball is being tossed back into the legislature's court where they'll probably find a way to screw it up.

Also, if you need more proof that teachers need a pay raise, look at the map above. It breaks down how individual precincts voted for SQ 779. Notice how most of the green places that votes "yes" are near the Texas, Arkansas and Kansas borders? That tells me that all the good teachers who live in those areas are crossing the border for better pay, benefits, and jobs. If that doesn't motivate the legislature and general public to treat our teachers better, I'm not sure what else does.



8. David Boren is becoming more and more irrelevant...

SQ 779 was Boren's baby and it failed. That leads to the question "What has David Boren accomplished in recent years?" I know he's really good at raising money (and tuition) for OU, and I'm sure Harold Hamm appreciates all the work Boren has done with the OGS as a board member of Continental Resources, but that's about it. I guess he handled the SAE thing okay, but that's not something to brag about. From the Nazi artwork collection to Big 12 realignment to the PRIDE Marching band, the only thing he succeeds at is screwing stuff up. I'm sure he was good politician back in the 1970s, but that was 40 years ago. Although he's still mighty and powerful, it's time for him to retire from politics and move to the sidelines.



9. Joleen Chaney is a fan of Burt Reynolds...

JoJo stationed herself at a watch party at The Rockford on election night. For some reason, she decided to film her live shots in front of the naked photo of Burt Reynolds...


That's weird. Maybe JoJo has a thing for guys with hairy chests. Then again, the Rockford also has artwork like this on the walls. Perhaps she took the safe approach.


10. The election is finally over...

If I can find one positive in the national election, it's that it's all finally over.

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