7 things to do at the Oklahoma State Fair when you’re high

It's mid-September, and that old and familiar smell of deep-fryer oil and horse manure is rising in the air. This can mean only one thing: the Great State Fair of Oklahoma is back! That's right, ten whole days of Indian Tacos, cheap carny thrills, and aggressive Jacuzzi salesmen will be converging in one location to cater to the most basic indulgences of our Okie lizard brains.

Anyone can have a good time at the fair, as long as they don't suffer from crippling anxiety caused by huge crowds and browning teeth. A little chemical help can maximize those good times, however. You can pay seven bucks for a plastic cup of Bud Light that will make you feel more bloated than buzzed, or sneak in a flask of Old Crow to steal a few nips while you wait in line for The Himalaya.

Or you can make like a Coloradan and partake in some of that dank before punching your ticket at the gate. But now that you're baked out of your gourd at the State Fair, you may not know what to do! Instead of wandering around aimlessly, staring blankly at arts and crafts like Patrick and Marisa do, then panicking and wondering if it's time to go back to school to finish that philosophy degree, here are some more fun activities to try:

Bug out on the midway at night

During the day, when you can see all the dirt and grime on the painted backdrops of unlicensed cartoon characters, the midway isn't quite as fun. But after dark, when colorful lights sizzle in the cool night air, the nicotine-stained hands and deep meth-wrinkled faces of the carnies are smoothed over. Puffy yellow Pikashoos and bright red Hangry Birds hang from slipshod booths where a hundred men with the gravely voice of Jim Varney all beckon you to try your skill at their rigged games of chance. Grating loudspeakers fight for attention, blasting Motley Crue and Flo Rida while passengers scream on the crumby rides. This may not sound like a fun time, but when you're high, it's super interesting and assaulting to the senses, like a low-rent EDM fest.

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Bet on the pig races

There is a tiny track at the State Fair used for racing baby pigs, and it's adorable if you can forget that you're rooting for creatures that will soon become the bacon wrapped around that turkey leg you're eating. Pretend like you're Hunter S. Thompson covering the Kentucky Derby, get geeked out on kush, and watch with giddy delight as the little piglets confusedly run around the track. Bet with your friends on the outcome, or make up prop bets, like which pig will panic and try to escape the cruel game first. It's fun!

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People watch at the karaoke tent

Every year, there's a tent for only the most drunk and depraved fairgoers. I've never been smashed enough on 3.2% beer to think it would be a good idea to sing "Kryptonite" from Three Doors Down in front of a huge crowd of weird strangers. Thankfully, there are people who lack that self-awareness and are ready and willing to perform for your stoned delight. Nurse a beer so if people see you giggling too hard, they'll just think you're drunk too.

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Have an existential panic at the birthing center

The ag building is always fun while high. There's the giant quarter horses and Clydesdales to gawk at, the goats are very chatty, and llamas are just plain weird. But by far the strangest experience to be had is at the birthing center. There is usually a monstrous sow being suckled by her blind and pink brood, feeding in a grotesque but beautiful pageant of life.

Most jarring of all is the incubator display where baby chicks hatch from their eggs. As the tiny, fluffy yellow birds instinctively break from their shelled womb, they discover motor functions and their own existence at the same time. How does it feel to go from the warm comfort of pre-existence, only to break out into a cold and cruel world, from feeling nothing to suddenly being awake and miserable? Do they know what they are? How does it feel to be ogled by all these weird giants, watching them as they learn to use their bodies?

Contemplate these questions and more, only at the agriculture building!

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Get some munchies

At some point, your stoned brain will convince your body that it's hungrier than it actually is. You're in luck, because almost any junk food you desire will be available, wrapped in bacon, and deep-fried to a golden crisp. From cheesecake and pickles to BBQ and candied apples, there is sure to be some variety of garbage to satisfy your shameful cravings. The battered and fried Oreos are absolutely as tasty as you think they would be, but if you want to not feel terrible, the roasted nuts are a nice choice.

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Watch the arm wrestling competition

Any true stoner is sure to have seen Over the Top, Sylvester Stallone's 1987 seminal film about an arm wrestling truck driver who is trying to win back the love of his son. This year is the 8th Annual Oklahoma State Fair Arm Wrestling Classic. It's sure to be full of grizzled truckers drinking motor oil and screaming in rage, if it's anything like the movie!

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Get lost in the 4-H building

I know at the beginning of the article, I said you don't want to find yourself staring at weird arts and crafts. That was a lie. You absolutely want to find yourself in the building with all the weird arts and crafts when you're high at the fair. There will be huge and malformed gourds, collections of bugs pinned to corkboard, and all manner of jellies and jams. You will see crude paintings by children, inventive paintings by children, uninspired dioramas by children. Really, I meant it as a warning to stay away from this building, because when you're baked, it's easy to spend your whole day gawking at the outsider art and agricultural oddities.