As I’m sure everyone is very well aware, this weekend Oklahoma was privy to a very rude awakening in the form of a 5.6 earthquake that seemed to go on for a good five or ten minutes. It was mildly terrifying, but thankfully, the abject horror quickly turned to sheer annoyance as everyone in the Metro immediately took to Twitter in a sad contest of frack-based one-liners that led to more than one account being put on mute.
The town of Pawnee, the source of the quake, received the brunt of the damage, with bricks falling, walls cracking and foundations sinking. And while Oklahoma City got away remarkably unscathed, still, if the Prophecies of Nostradamus have taught me anything, our time is coming and when it does, it won’t be pretty. With a magnitude that high and a frequency that continues to alarm, that 6.0 (and above) is just bubbling under the wastewater rich Earth, waiting for the moment to open its mouth and swallow us all in.
But sitting around and waiting for death is no way to live. Here are a few things you can do to get your life in order before the next, and most likely, devastating, earthquake destroys the Sooner state.
Stock Up on Football Shoulder Pads (and Other Apocalyptic Wear)
If predictions of post-apocalyptic fashions in cinema are to come to fruition, apparently when Oklahoma is completely razed into a desolate wasteland of Sturm und Drang, the go-to couture will be that old high-school football uniform, most notably the shoulder pads and jock strap. And while they will definitely need to be retrofitted with a wrist-based crossbow and some stainless steel nipple clamps, for once we’ll collectively be thanking God that we come from a state that values athletics over academics.
Call Up Old Lovers in the Middle of the Night
There’s nothing like a life-altering disaster to make someone recount the romantic mistakes in their life, mulling over all the lovers they one held in their arms, the betrothed that once kissed their lips, the memories of connubial bliss once shared. Now is the time to call up old significant others in the middle of the night and try to not only find out what went wrong, but if there’s a chance for a love reconnection before the end of days.
Catch the Comedian Earthquake Next Time He’s at Winstar
Even though comedian Nathaniel Stroman, a.k.a. Earthquake, has little to no comedic material about the violent shifting of the Earth’s tectonic plates, we can all come together and laugh at the famed comic’s routines, such as your wife finding a new man while you’re in prison, doing so much cocaine that you park outside the hospital with three whores, and women who change their mind after you’ve already taken the Cialis. Outrageous and outspoken, this Earthquake is just the thing we need to take our minds off the real earthquake, if only for a couple of hours.
Switch to GEICO
Did you know that by switching to GEICO you could save up to 75% of what you’re already paying for auto insurance with the “other” guys? Even though I know that I won’t be covered when that 100-year-old oak caves in the roof of my IROC-Z, until then I can cruise along, confident in my bare minimum coverage. Thanks, GEICO!
Make Good with God, Whomever You Perceive That to Be
Here’s the plan: live a life of total sin and debauchery and, as life comes to an end on that welcoming deathbed, finally accept the Lord Jesus Christ, asking for forgiveness the final moments before that death rattle plays its last morbid tune. And while in a just, earthquake-less world this is a fine plan of spiritual atonement, when that brick chimney collapses accidentally or a broken pipe shooting scalding steam melts the flesh off that pretty face, your mind will most definitely be elsewhere before waking up in Hell. So maybe now is the time to cut out all of this atheist and agnostic nonsense and make good with God, whomever (or whatever) you perceive that to be. Amen.