In a world increasingly overran with bros in embroidered/bedazzled Affliction shirts, UFC has taken over as the most popular form of officially sanctioned bloodsport. If you like to watch 2 guys roll around on a gym matt and bludgeon each others brains out until they can't even remember their favorite Papa Roach lyrics, you've got plenty of company. Have Bud Ice at Hooters for me, brah.
The traditional gentleman's sport of boxing tried to have a comeback in May with the heavily promoted, long-awaited fight between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather. People shelled out nearly a hundred bucks for the pay-per-view, which sucker-punched all previous records, raking in $418 million. That's an incredible amount of money for a really boring, uneventful fight that left even the most ardent enthusiasts disappointed.
Something that won't disappoint you, however, is this round-up of TLO gems from May!
5. 23rd and Penn is the gift that keeps on giving
Published: May 19, 2015
What We Said: "She was one of six people arrested last week at the intersection of NW 23rd and Penn on charges of public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. Apparently she and her friends were jumping in front of cars, harassing customers at the fancy two-story McDonald’s, and once the cops arrived, began flashing and mooning some really unfortunate, scarred for life motorists."
What We Learned: There is always some crazy bullshit afoot at the 23rd and Penn 7-Eleven. I've never been there without getting hustled for money, or at least watch one of these weirdos drinking piss behind the building or something.
Best Comment: "Double Dragon live action movie? I think we have our villains!"
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4. Video Vigilante calls B.S. on woman who claims she was almost a Hobby Lobby sex slave…
Published: May 28 2015
What We Said: "Does anyone else picture the Video Vigilante dancing around his office surrounded by dozens of autographed pics of Maurey Povich singing “Bullshit!” like the Seven Dwarves Heigh Ho!"
What We Learned: Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't, but this dude still seems like a woman-hating creep. If this story is true, it's another in the litany of reasons to not shop at Hobby Lobby.
Best Comment: "This isn’t a laughing matter. My adult daughter was once abducted in a sex trafficking ring while on vacation with a friend in Europe. I had to use my particular set of skills to rescue her and ended up killing several people in the process. This stuff happens! In fact, it occurred to me two more times. I must be a walking target or something."
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3. Suction Spots, Floods and Tigernados: Recapping Yesterday’s Severe Weather Coverage
Published: May 7 2015
What We Said: "Actually, I think it would be really cool for a channel or two to hire an evil weather girl. Plaaastic would be a good fit at KFOR Channel 4. She’d be the perfect rain cloud to Emily Sutton’s sunshine. Mike Morgan will probably name her chief storm chaser and put her on a speedy motorcycle named Bob Moore Crotch Rocket 4! We’d all watch. Admit it, the dark side is kind of fun."
What We Learned: In the land of batshit extreme weather, there are still new phenomena to be discovered, but hopefully this will be the last Tigernado. Exotic Joe could probably gain major traction in the presidential race if he campaigned as the only man who could stop another one from happening.
Best Comment: "Did anyone else hear David Payne last night say, “This is a virgin storm, it hasn’t been used up a lot.” ????"
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2. The 10 worst 7-Elevens in the metro area
Published: May 13 2015
What We Said: "This is the only 7-Eleven where I’ve ever witnessed a fight. A man with a service dog asked a Juggalo not to pet said service dog. The Juggalo did it anyway. Dude with the service dog took a swing. I sat patiently at the back of the store and waited for it all to pass as I sipped my Diet Coke Big Gulp and munched on my blueberry Sour Punch Straws."
What We Learned:
The gas may be cheap and the locations convenient, but they are always weird, sketchy places. Plus, they don't sell condoms or rolling papers, so why are you even there?
Best Comment: "Where else am I going to buy my groceries?"
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1. Emily Sutton called out “Internet Meteorologist” Aaron Tuttle…
Here’s audio of Aaron Tuttle screaming and yelling at Channel 5 coworkers…
Published:
May 18/27 2015
What We Said: "Seriously, what a nut. I know TV news can be a volatile, high-strung, stressful field, but that’s borderline insane. How can anyone get away with saying stuff like to a coworker? It’s crazier than making up a B.S. weather forecast suggesting F5 tornadoes are going to hit the Oklahoma City metro."
What We Learned:
Tuttle needs to cut the steroids out of his morning protein shake. And Emily Sutton confirmed her status yet again as the infallible Severe Weather Princess.
Best Comment: "I’m sure you’ve worked for at least one McD’s supervisor who feels the exact same way. “Keep your booger claws away from the shake machine, Tootle. It’s not about me!”"
