2015 Year in Review: January
10:16 AM EST on December 21, 2015
Hey gang, it's that time of year again, when we reminisce about the lousy, weird, and occasionally funny things that happened in the TLOverse and beyond. Oklahoma is always a source of embarrassing news, and 2015 was a banner year for the rest of the country to look at our mulleted state and collectively shake their heads at us. Most everyone that I personally know here are reasonable, intelligent people, but all it takes are a few rotten eggs to spoil the omelet.
Oklahoma started off 2015 with a good ol'-fashioned execution, their first in eight-months after a much-publicized botched lethal injection that lead to a prisoner experiencing agonizing pain throughout the process. All other scheduled executions this year have been put on hold while the state reviews their procedures for lethal injection, something which could have major ramifications throughout the country.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Published: January 12, 2015
What We Said: "On a positive note, they do want to use the rubble from the demolition to help decorate the parking garage. That’s a great idea. It’s about as charming as using your relatives old bones to decorate your fireplace."
What We Learned: The petition must have worked, because all the buildings got torn down and Devon and BOK are set to anchor a 27-story tower in their former location. Fun fact: The tears of Steve Lackmeyer were enough to supply the Bricktown canal with water for the entire year!
Best Comment: "One Company to rule them all, One Elected official to find them, One Energy Source to bring them all and in the well lit darkness bind them."
Published: January 19, 2015
What We Said: "As the DJ—definitely earning that dollar—finished up a seven-minute techno remix of Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind” to a bare stage and an even barer audience, my order was called on a kitchen sound system that is best described as what it must sound like when Galvatron has a rather painful forced prostate ejaculation, minus the romance."
What We Learned: Just because you're in a dank brick warehouse where saggy women dance lazily to Mudvayne doesn't mean you can't get a great 100% all-beef burger!
Best Comment: "Strip-club Okra.
Published: Jan 7 2015
What We Said: "Is there a single person on the planet with more leisure time than the people making the orders in the Braum’s drive thru? If there is, they need to learn to slow it down like the Braum’s folk. That is a whole new level of Zen, you guys. And when you tell people you work for Braum’s, they’ll be like “Teach me your ways! I’ve been doing Yoga for 5 years and I still can’t chill like the folks at Braum’s!” Also, who doesn’t want unlimited access to crinkle cut fries?"
What We Learned: There aren't very many impressive jobs in Oklahoma.
Best Comment: "Is it just me or does the pay.com logo look like it a giant sperm?"
Published: January 19, 2015
What We Said: "Obviously, the very logical conspiracy theory here is that Clay Bennett had his minions with The Thunder Ministry of Propaganda contact OPUBCO management to pull the article for some quick “editing.” That would make sense. Of course, what do I know? I thought Woody Harrelson’s father-in-law was behind all the murders in True Detective. I’m not good at conspiracy theories."
What We Learned: The Thunder have their hands on the shriveled balls of "The State's Most Trusted News" like a zealous child squeezing the life out of a small, scared dog.
Best Comment: "In all fairness, Larry Bird would have probably told Bob Ryan on Twitter to go fuck himself."
Published: January 21, 2015
What We Said: "People referenced the Edmond Ghetto a lot while I was in high school, and generally directed that phrase at neighborhoods containing 3-bedroom homes. From my own personal research, I have gathered that the Edmond Ghetto is where people who only pay $150,000 for a house live."
What We Learned: Edmonites are very sensitive about satirical blog posts goofing on their soulless suburban wasteland.
Best Comment: "My dear, being overly proud of the fact that you’re from Edmond is the same as being a beauty mark on the ass-cheek of a 45 year old stripper. You still grew up in Oklahoma and frankly that’s not saying much."