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Oklahoma is apparently facing a fireworks shortage…

1:54 PM EDT on June 17, 2015

I'm not a big fan of fireworks. I blame my parents. I was conditioned to fear and dislike them at an early age.

Each year around the 4th of July, my Mom would always tell me and my brothers some scary story about a boy she knew who got his hand blown off by a cherry bomb when she was a kid in the 1960s. The story changed as a grew older. When I was five, the boy just lost a thumb. When I was eight, they boy had lost an entire hand. By the time I turned 10, I think the kid blew his head off.

Of course, scaring the shit out of their sons around the 4th of July is what loving paranoid moms are supposed to do. And that's why we have dads. They are supposed to sweep in, save the day, and take the kids to the fireworks stand to buy cool loud shit like M80s and Roman Candles that mom won't like.

Well, my dad didn't get the memo. His favorite fireworks were sparklers, smoke bombs and those God awful black snake things, because nothing is cooler than watching a rabbit dropping grow into a black pile of Pepto shit. Seriously, he'd take us to the fireworks stand on the outskirts of town and those were the only things he'd let us buy. It would be like taking your kids to Braum's and only letting them get a single scoop of vanilla ice cream. I really need some therapy.

Anyway, I bring all this up because there's a fireworks shortage in Oklahoma. Well, at least there is according to KOCO Channel 5...

Okay, this is normally the point where I copy and paste text or embed video from the source. Unfortunately, KOCO is stuck in 2003 and doesn't have a $12-per-hour Social Media Bandit to write accompanying web stories. They also don't allow other sites to embed their video. So, all we have to offer is a patriotic pic of 2012 Kate Upton:


Anyway, I guess you can stop by KOCO and watch the report. According to some old dude they interviewed, big shortages are expected for things called Killer Bees and Bomb Shells. I have no clue what those are, but my mom says they are dangerous. Be careful and don't blow off a body part.

Thanks for reading!

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