M.I.O. Halloween Horror Movie Binge Watching Guide‏

9:12 AM EDT on October 23, 2014

On Halloween night, I have one major rule: no one over the age of 12 gets candy from me. Unless they have an intellectual disability, of course.

Sure, call me a jerk, but Halloween, at least as we celebrate it in this country, is for children and I refuse to contribute to the arrested development of today’s youth by awarding them with treats for doing nothing more than sullenly holding out a pillowcase and whimpering “trick or treat” under their affected breaths. Get a job, you Bieber-haired punks!

No, Halloween is a time when the only costume an adult should wear is that of a patient homeowner, a well-worn mask of faux-interest covering the face every time a toddler dressed as a Ninja Turtle shows up at the door or a group of neighborhood kids in shoddy Avengers costumes come a knockin’. But just because you’re a responsible grown-up doesn’t mean you can’t have fun—instead of going to that lame costume party where you’ll invariably leave alone, sexually frustrated yet again, why not kick back with some state-pride and enjoy a few Made in Oklahoma horror flicks where the only thing scarier than the monsters are the production values.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986, 20^th Century Fox)

Its OU/Texas weekend and malformed butcher Leatherface is saying “Meat-hook ‘em horns!” as he buzzes his way through purposely grating Oklahoma yuppies in the opening of this satirical sequel to the groundbreaking 1974 original.

A pair of drunk Sooners, bobbing and weaving on their way to Dallas, piss off the chainsaw-wielding maniac and his equally eccentric family of Texas football fans, and are, in turn, brutally dismembered and turned into chili—award-winning chili! And that’s just the first five minutes of a movie that is an over-the-top 101 minutes and even features a manic Dennis Hopper in a beautifully choreographed chainsaw duel that has to be seen to be believed. Doomer, Sooner!

TERROR AT TENKILLER (1986, VCI Video)

When home video first hit the market, distributors were buying up any and everything to satiate the voracious entertainment needs of the consumers. Unable to afford the rights to Hollywood blockbusters, some enterprising folks got some brews, bros and Betamax’s together to create some of the first direct-to-video titles. Terror at Tenkiller, directed by Ken Meyer, is one such pioneer. And, like a pioneer, it’s full of painful dysentery that makes you want to die.

Two 1980s Okie-hot chicks—the kind that would have easily taken second or third place in a Tijuana Hot Mama Contest—plan to get some fun in the sun at Lake Tenkiller when, dammit, a faceless slasher strikes, cutting their fun—and their lives—short. Tenkiller is everything that was great about terrible 80s trash cinema, and, if they got their shit together, should be a real point of pride for the Oklahoma Film Commission. Sorry, August: Osage County!

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID (2004, Sony Picture Home Entertainment)

Remember Anaconda, that killer snake flick with Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube and a ragin’ Cajun Jon Voight, best actor Oscar days long behind him? Well, they made a sequel and it was filmed in beautiful Fiji and, apparently, Oklahoma City, best known for our big fat slimy snakes…over at the State Capitol! AM I RIGHT GUYS?

A group of scientists slash mercenaries head to Borneo to find the key to the fountain of youth, the Blood Orchid. Simple enough, but, unfortunately, it’s protected by some anacondas that don’t want none unless they got blood, son. These CGI-creepy crawlies squeeze the life out of these guys kind of like the way these politicians squeeze every last dollar out of my wallet! WHOA-HO-HO, THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT!

SPLINTER (2009, Magnolia)

There are few things scarier than driving around the almost rural outskirts of Oklahoma City, gas tank just barely running on fumes. The bowels clench and the knuckles tighten on the wheel as you desperately try to figure out where you are, praying a gas station appears like a high-octane Brigadoon.

Splinter makes good use of that fear and adds a killer porcupine monster to the whole mix as a group of kids get stuck inside a secluded convenience store, probably somewhere on the way to Jones, of course, as this creature shoots deadly parasitic quills at them with absolutely no rhyme or reason. Still, that’s better than what I usually get shot in my direction when I stop by the 7-11 at 10th and May on any random Friday night.

SURVEILLANCE (2007, Image Entertainment)

Have you ever been in a mall afterhours? When I used to manage one of the many incarnations of the Penn Square Theater, after the final movie let out around 2 a.m. or so, I’d saunter through that empty center of commerce, the dark shadows moving ever so slightly as the stark chill that, somewhere, Armand Assante is watching me, waiting, ready to violate me, moves up my meaty spine.

Apparently I wasn’t alone in this fear because former Children of the Corn director/current O-Trip-C instructor Fritz Kiersch directed a film based on my nightmares and titled it Surveillance. Assante sweats all over the screen as the best mall loss prevention guy in the biz…the murder biz! Filmed in Penn Square Mall long after I left town, Kiersch does a great job at capturing the unsettling atmosphere where swarthy death lurks around every corner and Zaireeka experiments that block my car in stalk every parking garage.