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Derplahomans are upset with marriage equality…

Yesterday morning, the Supreme Court refused to take on the case of two Tulsa women who challenged Oklahoma's gay marriage ban, effectively legalizing same-sex marriage in Oklahoma. The first same-sex marriage licenses were issued Monday, and somehow the world is still standing. It's kind of crazy -- what seemed completely impossible just ten years ago became something that was so inevitable that when it really happened yesterday it almost seemed understated: NewsOK actually ran the news below a story about Durant's water supply.

While most of us were some combination of elated and relieved for our gay brothers and sisters, and excited to be watching history unfold, there were some who weren't so happy. You know the kind. Yes, the Derplahomans took to the internet comments section to do what they do best: make really cogent and persuasive arguments against same-sex marriage. A roundup of them follows. I hope you have a shower nearby.

A lot of people expressed a common theme:

derplahoman guest
derplahoman rick
derplahoman martin
derplahoman chad
derplahoman joe
derplahoman don

OK, clearly none of these people has even a basic understanding of the concept of consent, but beyond that it's always kind of amazing how many people suddenly express an interest in marrying their pets whenever this subject comes up.

Others went right for the hellfire and brimstone:

derplahoman todd
derlplahoman skylar
derplahoman connie
derplahoman donta
derplahoman ray

I have to say, getting the pants scared off me sounds pretty great, actually. Is that not the whole point of this?

This guy is right, though:

derplahoman greg

So gay!

Some people decided to repeat the jokes from the funniest middle-schooler in 1994...

derplahoman gary

Others had some really good theories as to how the Supreme Court could stab them in the back:

I give people like Renee here, credit, though. At least she's honest about her real goal:

derplahoman renee

And others were certain they knew this was all just propoganda from "homo-run" websites:

derplahoman donnie

Wait, is this what this was all about:

You know this next guy is for real because he ended the statement by using the word "period" instead of just using a period.

derplahoman thomas

I guess it's time for anyone in a post-menopausal marriage to get divorced :(

Some of these saw what the REAL agenda is:

derplahoman shawn

I gotta say... not sure how that works exactly. But it's ok with me!

Some of these people hit on all the key points:

derplahoman adam

I think that's a Derplahoman BINGO!

What is this next one I don't even know...

derplahoman loy

Some people are constitutional law experts:

derplahoman bradley

Also not in the Constitution: The words "marriage," "children," or "pizza."

This is like that scene in "A Few Good Men" when Kevin Bacon asks Noah Wyle to point out where the term "Code Red" was in the Marine handbook and then Danny Kaffee schools everyone:

The biggest Derplahoman of all, Sally Kern, released a statement:

And so did the most-powerful Derplahoman of all, Mary Fallin:

The people of Oklahoma have the right to determine how marriage is defined. In 2004, Oklahomans exercised that right, voting by a margin of 3-1 to define marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

The will of the people has now been overridden by unelected federal justices, accountable to no one. That is both undemocratic and a violation of states' rights. Rather than allowing states to make their own policies that reflect the values and views of their residents, federal judges have inserted themselves into a state issue to pursue their own agendas.

Today's decision has been cast by the media as a victory for gay rights. What has been ignored, however, is the right of Oklahomans – and Americans in every state – to write their own laws and govern themselves as they see fit. Those rights have once again been trampled by an arrogant, out-of -control federal government that wants to substitute Oklahoma values with Washington, D.C. values.

Blah, blah, blah, it's the same old "activist judges" mad libs that gets copy and pasted every time a big court decision rules against conservatives. The fact of the matter is that Mary Fallin is a dinosaur, and history will remember that she stood with the bigots at a time when the country was righting a longtime wrong. I do look forward to her post-political career flip-flop on this subject in an effort to save face.

And finally, here was the brave statement from Joe Dorman, the Democrat running to replace Mary Fallin this fall:

Yeah. As best as I can tell, he punted, staying completely silent on the day the Supreme Court made its historic news. This is the type of courageous leadership that shows he's just the man to lead the state of Oklahoma for the next four years.

The world often seems like a brutal place and it's easy to despair that things seem hopeless, but sometimes right wins out and good actually happens in spite of all the cowardly politicians and ignorant people around us. It's important to savor the victories: Congratulations to all the happy couples!

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