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The “Let College Students Bring Guns on Campus” debate is firing up again

usa shotgun

Other than Sally Kern's proposed bill that would have made it legal for a third grader to chew a chicken finger into a play gun and then shoot it at teachers, it was a relatively quiet legislative session for the gun nuts in the Oklahoma legislature.

Well, it looks like those good times are ending with a bang. According to The Oklahoman, the wackos who get a hard-on when they see a magazine clip are going to push the issue of allowing guns on college campuses during the 2015 legislative session. Because you know, that will keep our campuses safe.


Allowing students, faculty and staff to carry guns on campus would make Oklahoma’s colleges and universities safer, say lawmakers who are pushing for the change.

“Placing guns on campus, except in the hands of highly trained law enforcement officers and professionals, would be a serious mistake and would lead only to tragic results,” University of Oklahoma President David Boren said.

“To put our university students, faculty and staff at risk in this way makes absolutely no sense.”

Rep. John Enns, R-Enid, and Sen. Ralph Shortey, R-Oklahoma City, argue that licensed gun owners should be able to protect themselves on state campuses.

Enns said statistics show 20 percent of students will be assaulted at some point during their four years on campus.

“I hear from a lot of parents of college kids, and I hear from college kids, as well,” he said.

“For anyone to say our college campuses are safe, that’s totally not true.”

20-percent of students will be assaulted during college? That may seem extremely high, but then it occurred to me that I was assaulted in college.

Well, kind of.

During my senior year at UCO, I was enrolled in a novel-writing class that was taught by an ex-cop who wrote Mack Bolan Adventure Novels (seriously). One day in class, we were having an open discussion about something that was boring (probably cheeky adventure serials disguised as novels). During the debate, some annoying / strange Indian kid on the other side of the room said something stupid. I then replied with a sarcastic wisecrack (imagine that) that got a few laughs from classmates. All in good fun, right?

Uhm, not for the strange Indian kid.

I swear to you not, the guy suddenly stood up, pointed at me, groaned like a dying hippo, and in front of the entire class, removed his shoe and threw it at me. The shoe missed by about five feet and landed on the window sill behind me. He then stood up, walked by my table, said a few choice words, and left the room. If only I would have have had a gun on me so I could have shot him dead on the floor. Then we'd all be safer, right?

Obviously, putting guns in the hands of chemically imbalanced, overly emotional, shoe throwing college students doesn't seem like the best idea. That's why I have a better plan...

Instead of letting gun nuts bring guns on school campuses, why don't we just create one big university for gun owners that allows students to bring guns on campus? We could name it Charlton Heston Oklahoma State Gun University. The official school colors would be camo, the nickname would be the militiamen, and the mascot would be a lone gunmen living on a compound in Wyoming. The school's motto could be "Enter at your own risk."

Seriously, let's make this happen. It would be every 20-year-old kid who got kicked out of the Army's dream school. Each day would be like waking up and going to a gun show. I bet the university would have a waiting list and get applicants from all over the country. The NRA could even offer a scholarship.

Also, the school wouldn't just benefit people with gun addictions. Since the gun enthusiasts would all be congregating in one place, regular college students would feel a bit safer at school. Well, at least until their ROTC is attacked by Charlton Heston Oklahoma State Gun Universities militia. Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

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