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20 Derplahoman Comments about Marriage Equality from KFOR’s Facebook Wall…


As I'm sure you've heard by now, marriage equality is on its way to Oklahoma. On Tuesday, a federal judge ruled that our state's 2004 amendment banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. Because our state's leaders enjoy wasting taxpayers dollars on things like this, the ruling is being appealed.


A federal judge in Tulsa struck down Oklahoma's ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional on Tuesday but prevented his ruling from going into effect while the issue makes its way through appeals.

Senior U.S. District Judge Terrence C. Kern, ruling more than nine years after Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly approved a statewide question to prohibit same-sex marriage, said the ban discriminated against same-sex couples for no rational reason.

Yes, a judge named Kern is the person who struck down Oklahoma's ban on gay marriage. As I mentioned on Tuesday, you win, cosmic forces of irony that control the universe. First you name the most powerful family in the state "Gaylord," and now this. Maybe tomorrow we'll find out that Emily Sutton's middle name is England.

Kern released his ruling in a 68-page badass decision that made a lot of sense. Here are some highlights:

After dissecting the arguments supporters voiced to justify the ban, Kern said that “moral disapproval of homosexuals as a class, or same-sex marriage as a practice, is not a permissible justification.”

Moreover, he said, protecting the sanctity of marriage wasn't a valid reason for the ban, given Oklahoma's high divorce rate of opposite-sex couples, and encouraging procreation wasn't logical either since opposite-sex couples aren't required to say they'll produce offspring in order to get a marriage license.

“Equal protection is at the very heart of our legal system and central to our consent to be governed,” Kern said in his 68-page decision.

“It is not a scarce commodity to be meted out begrudgingly or in short portions. Therefore, the majority view in Oklahoma must give way to individual constitutional rights.”

Of course, Tuesday's ruling sent the bible thumping, homophobic arm of the Derplahoman army into full disarray. Derplahomans, in case you forgot, are those ignorant, usually uneducated, simple folk who think Obama is a Muslim communist dictator, want prayer (and guns) allowed in public schools, and believe gay people are the biggest threat to the country. They live around you, work around you, and vote for all the bat-shit crazies that run this state.

Anyway, these Derplahoman's couldn't believe that a judge would have the nerve to overrule the homophobic desires of the people. Of course, they turned to the Facebook pages of local TV stations to voice their frustrations. Because it's what we do, I decided to go through the KFOR Facebook page and find some of the craziest, most bizarre statements. Once again, all these comments are totally real.

First you have the guy who thinks Judge Kern and all other "fags" should be put on an island and blown to little tiny gay bits:

Bradley Wright Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Of course, blowing them up would be kind of pointless. Especially when you consider that gay people are going to burn:

Jonathan Jones Oklahoma Facebook Marriage Equality

In all fairness, most of the derps were not that extreme. They were basically upset that a liberal activist judge overruled the will of the people to blatantly discriminate and deny rights to citizens based upon sexual orientation.

Brian Gordon Facebook Oklahoma Marriage Equality

I'm not a civics teacher or anything, but I'd probably guess when the Constitution was first ratified in the late 18th century.

Rachel Vowell Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Good question. What is the point of having the people vote on pandering, theologically driven laws that infringe on the rights of the minority? If those laws are just going to be ruled unconstitutional by the judicial branch, why vote for them? It kind of seems like a wasteful, stupid thing to do. Perhaps those voters should simply open their minds and try to cope with their irrational fears and phobias. That's just a thought, though.

Sarah Stone Facebook Oklahoma

Okay, there's this thing called the Constitution. I think it was used a plot device in one of the Nick Cage treasure hunter movies. Or was that the Declaration of Independence? Regardless, the Constitution is this really old yellow document that basically lays the foundation and sets the roles of the federal government. It was created with a series of "checks and balances" to prevent one branch of government from gaining too much power. As part of it, the judicial branch has the power to overturn discriminatory laws that the "voters" want (for example, draconian legislation that discriminates against people based on sexual orientation). I'm not sure your thick head is able to comprehend all that, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

Mike Dunning Facebook Oklahoma marriage equality

Although it would have been hysterical if he did, at least the judge didn't use a penis pump in court. And speaking of "penis pumps," get out your magnifying glass and check out the machine gun that Mike is holding in that picture. He's obviously not trying to overcompensate for anything.

David Coberley Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

I'd say it's about as funny and pathetic as this:

David cobberly

That's either the world's worst haircut or the worst toupee. It's so bad I can't tell which one it is. Regardless, can we go ahead make that guy the face of all Derplahomans? He seems like a good choice.

Doug Davis Oklahoma Facebook Marriage Equality

Wow. I can't believe it took us this long to get to an Obama Muslim reference! Usually that's how most of these comments begin.

Ignoring that ignorant fact, Doug's post really makes me wish I paid more attention at Vacation Bible School. That way, I could respond to his comment with one of those obscure verses or laws from the bible that people no longer practice or follow. Something like how people are not supposed to eat pork, work on Sunday or have sex with cattle. You know, those biblical rules and customs that people like Doug Davis probably break on a regular basis.

Angie Selvey Facebook

If Angie thinks that Judge Kern is a "fag" because he ruled in favor of marriage equality, I wonder what she thinks about Judge Judy. I guess that would make her a shady low-life slumlord who walked out on her own lease. Also, if you are going to imply something like that, at least have fun. Maybe write "I bet he wrote his ruling while listening to Bette Midler and eating Mint Milanos."

In addition to the people who thought Kern was an activist judge, we have some legal scholars who knew this ruling violated state's rights:

David McNabb Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Actually, the Constitution does guarantee marriage rights. It falls under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th amendment. It requires each state to provide equal protection under the law to all people within its jurisdiction. The clause was the basis for Brown v. Board of Education (1954), the Supreme Court decision that precipitated the dismantling of racial segregation, and for many other decisions rejecting irrational or unnecessary discrimination against people belonging to various groups. Granted, I pulled that from Wikipedia and not the bible so the Derp doesn't care, but I thought it would be fun to point out.

Taylor Wilson Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Let's be real here. You're a fucking nut.

Also, Redneck Riots is the name of my new hardcore Red Dirt Band.

Dustin Dewbre Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

By using Dustin's logic, state's should then be allowed to enact stricter gun control laws and ban certain religions, right? I'm sure he'd agree with that.

Some Derplahomans took the slippery slope approach to gay marriage. Obviously, if gay marriage is allowed in Oklahoma, the next step will be bestiality:

Jason Turner Facebook Oklahoma Marriage Equality

Let's be honest. Watching Bambi's mom "marr" Garfield would be kind of cute.

Others warned us that history may repeat itself:

Ray Garrett Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

This is actually true. It was the Marriage Equality Edict of 375 that destroyed Rome, and not the wars, internal fighting and / or bad rulers who tried to limit the rights of the people.

kris ramber facebook oklahoma Marriage Equality

Maybe Kris would enjoy living in a place like North Korea, Russia or even Iran? They don't "embrase" immoral gay lifestyles.

Lots, if not all, of the Derps are scared of marriage equality because it conflicts with their conservative Christian beliefs.

Chantelle Townsend Facebook Marriage Equality

If God is #1, then Judge Kern just returned a missed field goal 109 yards for a touchdown. Seriously, if some supernatural, all-powerful being in the sky didn't want gay marriage, why would he let an activist judge overturn it?

Chris Hazen Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Let me think like a Derplahoman for a second. Global Warming is a massive hoax perpetuated by the world's leading scientists, yet legalizing gay marriage turns everyone into homosexuals and leads to the fall of mankind. Also, evolution is faulty science and women were created by ribs.

Darelyn Miner Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

According to my sources, it is still legal to read a bible in Oklahoma. You can even use them in gay weddings.

Stanley Heath Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

That must be a quote from the popular Rainbow Bigot's Bible.

Let's close with one more post:

Dennis Kosmicki Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

thank you for ur dissertation regarding the gay marriage and for comparing it to illegal drug use and not using paragraphs capital letters or punctuation marks that are not exclamation points otherwise id have to take you seriously!!!! my point is that ur writing reads like someone PLACED a keyboard in a hole designed to discard decaying bacteria and toxins and put it on my computer screen!!!! i guess you got it figure out.


Anyway, that's it for this Derplahoman round-up. Please remember that not every comment was that crazy. There were some brave souls who ventured into the deep end to argue with this folks. The Cimmarron Alliance should give them a medal of bravery or something.

Also, congratulations to all of our gay Ogle Moles who will soon have the same rights as the heterosexual peers to plan weddings and get divorced. Watch what you wish for.

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