Anyone want to hit up this Swingers Toga Party tomorrow?

This Saturday, both OU and Chokie State will enjoy their first bye weeks of the 2013 college football season. Traditionally, this is one of the busiest event weekends of the year. People attend weddings, go to the lake for one last time, and visit the State Fair to take pics for our apparently now controversial photo contest. Also, local event calendars are be filled of fun and different things like festivals, concerts and swinger toga parties.

Wait. Swinger toga parties?

Yeah, apparently that's a thing. Recently, an Ogle Mole who is probably a swinger sent me a link to a website for a place called Club Dreamers. Apparently, it's a local underground swinger club. They're hosting a swingers toga party at an undisclosed location in Oklahoma City on Saturday. Here are the details:

It must be nice to be a single female. Not only do you have ladies night at bars and get $3.00 off a Jiffy Lube oil change on Tuesdays, but you only have to pay $15 to attend a swingers party. The next time you hear some bitter women who's obviously not a waitress complain about not getting paid as much as a man, throw that back at them. Make sure you wink at them, too. That way they'll know you're not being too serious. ;)

When I first saw the link to the Club Dreamers website, I didn't think much of it. I didn't even visit the site. Sure, swingers are silly and weird, but who really cares? What gives us the right to make fun of people for the unusual things they do in their own private time? They're normal people like you and I, except they like to have sex with multiple people in cages while wearing Zoro masks and listening to Type O Negative and Lords of Acid. They also wear robes. Unless they show up at TLO Trivia Night and answer "Fidelio" for every question, we should just leave them alone. Plus, the Google ad robots will hate every other word in a post about them. That's always a pain in the ass.

But then a couple of things happened:

1. I remembered I write for The Lost Ogle

2. I succumbed to temptation and visited the Club Dreamers website

Sorry swingers, not writing about this would be like you not having a safe word. I have to do it.

First, let's view the basic Club Dreamers details on the website's Home Page:

Uhm, is that a description for a swingers club or a high school mixer? The guy who goes to the church social on Wednesday night thinks that sounds boring. What else should we know about this place:

Way to bury the lede, Club Dreamers' webdungeonmaster. Or as they probably call you at the club, Cliff. That's the angle you should lead with when writing about a swingers club.

That being said, does it seem like Club Dreamers overly promotes the free pool table? They mention it two times. Is it really that big of a selling point? I bet "like minded adults" go to a swingers club for the free pool about as often as parents go to Chuck E. Cheese for the good pizza. Also, what's a conversation pit? I'm pretty sure that's what they call the waiting room at my vet. I don't want to talk to you, Weird Old Lady with Cats.

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At this point, you're probably asking where is Club Dreamers and how do I become a member. The answers to those questions are located on the website's "About Us' page:

It cost $40 for a couple to attend these parties and you don't get free beer? What a ripoff. Also, did you notice Club Dreamers is located in the ballroom of a local motel. Not hotel. Motel. Think about that the next time you stay at La Quinta.

I don't condone any form of discrimination against people based on their size or age, but I'd be willing to make an exception for this. No one wants to see old people having sex. If we did, we'd go to Henry Hudsons and hangout near the bathroom. If I owned a swingers club, I'd openly ban and discriminate against old people (anyone over 40), obese people (anyone over 250) and men.

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Now for the real reason I chose to write about this place: the photos.

On the Club Dreamers website, they have a photo slide show of previous parties. If they don't make you want to become a swinger, well, consider yourself normal. First we have some pics of the club:

Uhm, do they have these parties at a seedy motel or a church cafeteria? That looks like the setup for your grandparents golden anniversary party. When it comes to getting me in the mood for sex, I'd rank the gold tablecloths and balloons somewhere between "Waiting in line at Wal-Mart" and "Watching an episode of Frontline."

Then again, maybe that's just one bad pic. Perhaps there's a better one.

Or maybe not.

Anyway, I know what you're asking. Where's the love dungeon, stripper poles and bondage footstool?

Here you go:

Sexy, huh? I'm starting to think they should rename Club Dreamers to Club Sad Realities. The green Mardi Gras mask agrees:

Here are some other items mentioned in the Club Dreamers "About Us" description. We have the...

DJ Booth

Adam Sandler should create a sequel to the Wedding Singer called The Swinger Club Deejay. I'm sure that would be a load of laughs.

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Conversation Pit

If they ever bring back Fear Factor, they should force contestants to set in those chairs and watch TV. Also, why do they have a gigantic roll of paper towels by the TV. Nevermind. Don't answer that.

And finally...

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The Free Pool Table

"And they got a pool table, too."

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Anyway, that's about it for our breakdown of Club Dreamers. If you can't make it out tomorrow for the toga party, they do list some friendly swinger places on the website. Maybe you should check one out. If you see the Mathis Brothers, Mike and Marla Morgan, and/or Joey and Nugget, send us a pic.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Friends! I told you so!