Screw you, Internet. I like my Bloody Marys, Mimosas and Omelet Bars.
8:00 AM EST on March 5, 2013
You probably started doing this as a child at your neighborhood Olive Garden after church with your family. You probably didn't realize its full potential until college, when recapping the wild antics of the weekend while drinking Bloody Marys was the perfect way to kick-off Sunday Funday. And now, as a contributing member of adult society, it provides an amazing opportunity to gorge yourself both sweet and savory foods, socialize on patios, and sip refreshments on the sabbath day.
My name is Chelsea and I'm a brunchoholic. Hi, Chelsea.
Recently, everyone's favorite portmanteau dining experience has gotten some bad press. The awfulness of brunch is all that Buzzfeed, HelloGiggles, and the Gloss wants to bitch about. Suddenly, the people who brunch are worse than Kony and fracking and the Jersey Shore combined. Scorned are the innocent people who crave rosemary home fries to cure their hangovers. Brunch, overnight, has become a dangerous public enemy.
I know, I really don't understand how eggs benedict, waffles, or kobe burgers could be made to look like villains either.
Since the weird brunch haterade our world is drinking certainly cannot be attributed to the delicious food, I'm going to assume that the backlash is directly related to some of the well--other characteristics that television and our smart phones lead us to believe about this meal. I'm here to quell these irrational fears you might have.
• Citizens, don't let the 40k millionaires from Uptown Dallas scare you away. In our neck of the woods, brunch is not about buying top shelf champagne or showing your peers how expensive your "chill out" clothes are. We're just here to eat some food and keep the party going. Plus, Oklahoma brunch menus don't feature enough lox or truffle oil to satisfy these sort of people's posh needs, so they won't be there.
• Don't worry about the soccer mom PTA ladies who lunch either. Although trendy eateries are the natural habitat for many a stay at home mom, this species is busy doing things like watching little league games and attending LifeChurch on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
• Fretting about whether or not it's appropriate to Instagram your latte art? I'll answer that for you: no. Do not take pictures of your commonplace foods. If the barista is talented enough to style Starry Night or some kind of wordy message into your coffee, then I suppose it's fair game. Or if you're on vacation. Or you're the Pioneer Woman. Or if you cook something gourmet yourself. Okay fine, I'm a sucker for food porn.
• Unlike getting brunch in LA or Dallas or Manhattan, shaving, showering, ironing your clothes, or even brushing your hair isn't a prerequisite for enjoying a mid-morning feast. That's definitely something that I think we all forget to stop and appreciate. Thanks to all of the rednecks who wear flannel pajama pants in public, it's pretty hard to ever be the most ridiculous looking person in an establishment.
• Gravy. Brunch is a great opportunity to douse everything on your plate with a generous portion of peppered cream gravy.
When it comes down to it, our sleepy little state of Oklahoma is amazingly situated for awesome brunches. We have a long season of sunny, temperate days. Every great restaurant has a patio, complete with fire pits, misters, wind screens, and gigantic fans to ensure that the environment stays right around a comfortable 73 degrees. The hungover crowd shows up around 10:30 or 11, which gives them plenty of time to get liquored up again before the church crowd arrives around 12:30 or 1. We don't have any laws banning libations before noon--or if we do, every brunch spot in the state ignores it. Sugary, greasy food are Oklahoma's finest native cuisine. We have enough trendy, new American restaurants that we can get an exciting, glamorous brunch experience without it being overly snooty or obnoxious. Oklahoma, my friends, should be the bruncher's paradise. The world is our oyster (on the half shell). Let's make this happen.
Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock
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