Dante’s Hot Girl of the Month: Ms. January
9:00 AM EST on January 9, 2013
(Editor's Note: This is a new feature Dante wanted to write. I guess you can't blame him. Each month he's going to "ogle" (ha ha!) a local hottie and then post pics of them we found on the internet. Oh yeah, he'll write about them, too. Also, that's a video from So6ix. I guess not everything they do soSux.)
Quote: “There comes a time in every young man’s life when he must inform his fellow men of the women that surround them.” – Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:8. Look it up.
My New Year's Resolution is to win 2013 Wingman of The Year. Being that I’m graduating college soon and who knows where I could end up after that, maybe Heaven, I’ma just drop a monthly article about the best looking women I see around Oklahoma whilst I'm still here. And then it's up to y'all to acquire them. I can't do it all. Jonathan Moxon is only one man.
But right meow, in January of 2013, Morgan Woolard holds the crown. (Sidebar: Some woman just disagreed and don’t worry, you have 11 more opportunities and your time will come. Close sidebar.)'
When I first found out about Morgan Woolard, I was tweetin’ up a storm of fire jokes (follow me @Dante_Jordan) and some article written by some rando on some website snuck its way into my timeline. So of course, I clicked it, and when I saw Morgadocious I was like…yo? Then I immediately retweeted the article to spread the word to my disciples. And to complete the 3 point play, I floated a thirst drop through her mentions and when she tweeted young Dante The Wise (one of my many childhood nicknames) back, I was like..Yo.
Now peep game, cause game is to be peeped…Around my sophomore year I coined the phrase “Edibles” for beautiful women. Ask around. It was me. And if you throw it around in the right cafeteria, you might get yourself into a food fight. So it was only right to compare Ms. Woolard summamaifavritefoods. That was annoying, huh?
5. DQ Woolard
My nickels, the day I had my first Oreo McFlurry from McDowells I knew that fast food was the route to go for the rest of my life. But then..BUT THEN.. I had an Oreo Cookies Blizzard from Dairy Queen and I reacted it in the exactly like I did when I first saw that article; I looked up at God and said... “Our Father, which art in Heaven, have you been holding out on me?”
4. Bacon CheeseMorger from Braum’s
Look man, I don’t care what anyone says. No, I really don’t. The #2 1/3 LB Bacon Cheeseburger with no onions and a large fry with a large cherry limeade and make sure there’s ketchup and extra napkins in the bag, but also don’t forget my straw cause that’ll really piss me off from Braum’s is a gift from up above...especially when they get the order right. I mean that burger comes through for you rain, sleet, or snow, and I like it just like I like my edibles; in a messy bun.
A few of my other childhood nicknames: Like Mike, The Cynicist, LL DJ, but the one that really went viral amongst the community was Black Popeye. Let’s survey the room *looks are around* I think that’s a resounding yes on “It’s pretty obvious why they’d call him that.” So when I started stacking my dollars to the ceiling and taking women out for the fine Italian dining, I always go with Tortellini. There’s no corny pick-up line about that. I just like spinach and noodles. That shit’s good. Speaking of something relative: Here’s a YouTube video I made in the bathroom of my old house. It’s called “We Are DEFINITELY Dating If....” https://youtube.com/watch?v=i124ONz52Hw
2. Purple Perfect Morgarita
1. Morgaroni ‘N Cheese
Let me take a break from the funny funny haha shimmishimmiyaya and be absolutely 100% serious with everyone reading this. Macaroni ‘N Cheese is the single best meal on God’s Green (Red, Orange, Yellow, Blue, Indigo, Violet) Earth. Notice I said meal because IT IS NOT A SIDE DISH. I could eat Macaroni ‘N Cheese every single day of the week and be perfectly happy. Just.... like….
I think my work here is done.