2012 TLO Year In Review: May
7:30 AM EST on December 19, 2012
May was fantastic. Unless you were in Florida and homeless. That's when that homeless guy got his face eaten off by a crazy person. See, homeless people. Could always be worse. You could have no face. Then again that guy is probably in a warm hospital eating regularly. He wouldn't know though because that crazy person also ate his eyeballs. I'll go ahead and stick with being homeless over being No Eyes McGillicutty.
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5. Thunder PA Announcer Jim Miller Is A Sick and Disgusting Human Being
What We Said: "Here’s a snippet that contains Miller’s response to the claims, which does include a slight admission of guilt."
What We Learned: I worked with this guy. He was always socially awkward and super odd but never thought he would be capable of this. We also discovered they can't remove a pedophile from a kid's movie. He is in Thunderstruck. Still. I watched Jeff Goldblum fight dinosaurs and you can't remove a damn pedophile from a kid's movie? Well done Hollywood. Well done.
Best Comment: We didn't allow for comments, so I'll make one. "I hope he spends the rest of his life in general population and gets some prison style justice." - Joel
4. Behold the Gary England Severe Weather Dong
What We Said: "Remember that scene in A Clockwork Orange where that guy kills the old lady with a large penis statue? That’s kind of what Lord England’s weather dong reminds me of, only it’s not part of a weird disturbing movie."
What We Learned: Penis jokes are always hilarious. Ask any 13-year-old boy or 90% of all the open mic "comics" you see at the Loony Bin. Comedy, thy name is penis joke. Also, I like to type penis as much as possible because, well, penises are funny. Penis.
Best Comment: "Ah man, Norman is getting the shaft." - Ryan
3. The Dark Tower Has Been Sold. Please Don't Comment About It
What We Said: "Since NewsOK.com won’t let you can’t comment about the sale of the Dark Tower on their site, I guess you should go ahead and do it here. We don’t care. In fact, we encourage it. And in case you need any extra motivation, gun control is bad, gay marriage should be legal, OU is better than OSU, and OSU is better than OU. Good luck."
What We Learned: That only 29 people cared enough to comment made us a little sad. That's half as many people who got laid off by OPUBCO just now. I'm kidding. Don't sue me OPUBCO. There's a lot of people who still work there. I assume. I got laid off from there long ago so I assume outside of George Lang, Steve Lackmeyer and the wonky eyed Gaylord kid, there's no one left.
Best Comment: "Does this mean that Slackmayer will write on the historic significance of the tower?'" - Not Eliot
2. Christina Fallin Has Filed For An Annulment From Matt Bacon
What We Said: "The word from several Ogle Moles was that Matt Fallin-Bacon, a recovering drug addict, had relapsed and Christina kicked him to the curb. If that’s true, I guess you can’t blame him. If Mary Fallin was my mother-in-law, I’d probably do a bunch of drugs, too."
What We Learned: We didn't really learn much because we were too busy starting a shitty alt rock band in order to woo the daughter of the state's most powerful woman not named Gaylord-Everest. We probably should have opened a shitty cupcake shop instead.
Best Comment: "So she didn’t know that he was a loser hipster wanna-be?" - Dude?
1. 20 Hottest Women In Oklahoma City News Media
What We Said: "Liz Dueweke takes herself too seriously, is very of lame, and lacks a sense of humor."
What We Learned: We learned there's no way to predict how people angry people are going to get on these things. So we had Schambach lower than Cerreta, who cares? If our daily "Questions I got right on Jeopardy" journal is any indication, nothing. We don't know anything. That's why we host trivia.
Also, Patrick's statement above is pretty accurate. I live in the same area as Liz and her boyfriend "AJ." He was always super nice. When she was walking her dogs in tight yoga pants and a sports bra, she acted like me saying hi was totally out of line. I should let you know I call taking pictures with my phone "saying hi." Maybe that's why she spit on me.
Best Comment: "Why are all media girls way hotter in person? The time I saw Schambach at Whole Foods dressed in a small, sexy peach dress I nearly dropped my lobster bisque all over the floor." - onthestrip
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