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Worst of OKC: Suburb

4:30 AM EDT on August 29, 2012

"Why haven't you included my outlying residential area of OKC as being the worst of anything?", said no one ever. Well, here's your chance, no one! Now you can vote on which wannabe OKC is the worst. Sorry, Harrah. You'll have to take solace as being the place most likely to provide a backdrop for an alternate universe version of Breaking Bad where you don't care about anyone who uses or sells meth. So just like Harrah.

Vote on, good people of the suburbs!

Bethany - Located west of OKC - Shares name with 73% of strippers

Southern Nazarene University is located in Bethany. SNU is the Falls Creek of colleges. So much drinking and debauchery. How does the staff not know? A guy I know lost his virginity in the chapel of that school during a Christmas banquet for homeschool kids. Not as part of the banquet. Don't want you to think all home school kids are that lucky. We aren't.

Bethany Fun Fact: Until the 1963 potato famine, Bethany was home to seven werewolves.

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Edmond - Located North of OKC

Edmond is the whitest town I've ever been to and I've been to Caucasianville, Vermont. It's like a wealthy suburbanite convention up there. I'm white, not by choice, and I even feel too "urban" for Edmond. I got a ticket once in Edmond for "Too much Jay-Z on iPod." That's $240 bucks, gone.

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Mid - Del (Midwest City and Del City) - East of OKC - Home to Tinker Air Force Base

Mid-Del is a weird place. It's a cross section of military families and meth heads who are too good for Harrah. They've got Mr. Spriggs which is awesome, but they also have a bar called "Booger Reds" which is not cool at all because it shares a name with a Garbage Pail Kid too disgusting to exist. There is also a sign on the highway for Tinker exits that says "Liberator, Lancer, and Marauder." That sign shares a name with the top-selling items at Christie's Toy Box for five years running.

Mid-Del Fun Fact: In the spring of 1979 President Jimmy Carter ate seven slabs of ribs at Mr. Spriggs.

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Moore - South of OKC - Center of the Good Life

I was born in Moore. That makes it the worst for a whole lot of women (3). Moore is home to The Warren, which is great. It's also home to Toby Keith, which is not great. It's downright awful. Also, if you have four hours to kill, get off on 19th street from I-35 south and try to go west. Go ahead. It's a great rage starter.

Moore Fun Fact: Since Toby Keith's birth, in 1943, the entire city of Moore smells like denim and leather.

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Mukon (Mustang - Yukon) - West / Southwest of OKC

Mukon exists solely to remind me how glad I am I don't live in Mukon. It's not small town enough to be quaint and not Edmondish enough to be as stuck up as they are. We get it. Garth Brooks is from there. You know who else is? This four-foot five-inch pile of douchery. I once interviewed with them and they said I read too fast. They also wanted to charge me $5,000 to publish a book I wrote. To be fair the name of the book was Ryan T. The Angriest Elf. That might have been a bad title.

Mukon Fun Fact: Mustang was once home to The Brady Bunch's Bobby, Mike Lookinland and his poorly named hardware store, Bob's Knobs.

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Tulsa - NE of OKC

Everyone from Tulsa keeps telling me it's better than OKC. They tell me the people are more diverse and the art scene is better. They tell me it's a better city all around. I've been to Tulsa. It's nothing like people from Tulsa want me to believe. The BOK center isn't that great. The women are nowhere near as pretty as OKC girls and everyone there acts like a whiney record store employee. It's that "I'm better than you because I think I am" attitude. Well, I guess if that works for you Tulsa people, then ok. I'll just continue to not walk around acting like I have something to prove because my town sucks. I think that's the best way to handle it.

Tulsa Fun Fact: While Cain's is awesome, it does not beat having your own kick ass NBA team.

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