2012 Worst of OKC: Natural Disaster
4:30 AM EDT on August 23, 2012
Oklahoma is known for a lot of things across the country. Our amazing basketball team, our amazing college football teams and our insane natural disasters. For a state so gung-ho for Jesus, He doesn't seem to show us much leniency in the natural disaster department. I blame Sally Kern.
So vote now and let your voice be heard! We managed to write a post that is free of Wayne Coyne commentary. This insures the Wayneiacs won't clog the comment section with tons of supportive comments. It's all going to be ok. Now go vote for things that are naturally awful!
When I lived in California my parents tried selling me on the idea Oklahoma was better by telling my siblings and I of the enchanted winters. Like most things they said about CA vs. OK it was a lie. I expected a magical land where everything would be covered in a layer of pleasant snow. Instead what I found was crystal daggers of the unholy hanging precariously from tree limbs and telephone wires. Ice daggers that caused power to go out for days on end and cars to wrap around telephone poles. Ice storms that make me wish I was in still in CA where all you had to worry about was Earthquakes.
Well, turns out no earthquakes in Oklahoma was a damn lie too. Oklahoma lies on one of the largest fault lines in the world. In CA we used to have a survival kit that would sustain us for up to a week. Perishable food items. Disposable toiletries. All things those silly survivalists have. Oklahomans aren't ready to go a week without the things that make modern life amazing. Unless there's some way to store an emergency ration of anything covered in gravy and college football games, we're pretty much boned.
If you don't think getting stabbed in the skull by falling ice or being shaken like Mitt Romney's Etch-A-Sketch is all that bad, then maybe floods are your thing. Oklahoma is so flat you can see the back of your own head if you stare out into the horizon. I think Abraham Lincoln said that. This makes the land susceptible to some pretty intense flooding. Not New Orleans level of flooding, but pretty brutal either way. No one wants to drown in front of their own house. That's just embarrassing.
Tornados are the natural disaster we're best known for. This is only because country music isn't considered a natural disaster, although it should be. Tornados are as synonymous with this state as Kevin Durant, Land Runs and bad pilots. Tornados not only destroy houses and lives but also give every weather man worth his salt s pretty big weather chub. Weather chubs are the worst. Trust me.
Smoking is awful. Littering is awful. The problem is when you combine the two there is a really good chance your dumb ass is gonna start a wildfire. Wildfires cause millions of dollars in damage and put firemen in harms way. You also risk pissing off a bear. No! Not that kind of bear. This bear. Here's a fun fact concerning Mr. The Bear. He doesn't carry a shovel to help with fires. He carries the shovel to bash the skull of the stupid moron who threw a lit cigarette out their car window and then uses the same murder shovel to bury said moron's body. And that's the truth because it's on the internet!
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