2012 Worst of OKC: Worst Place to Park Your Car
8:00 AM EDT on August 17, 2012
Sometimes I park on the southside. Why I'm there is my business. Let's just say some Walter White shiz is goin' down (cheap tires). To keep southsiders away from harming my sweet whip I put a Virgin Mary decal on the back window and airbrush the tailgate with the downtown skyline. Ain't nobody messin' with my car on the south side when I do that.
Since nothing I just wrote was neither funny or entertaining I guess I'll just let you get this voting thing started. Vote on mi amigos!
Bob Moore Chopper 4's Hanger
The worst part about parking in this hangar is Bob Barry Jr. will try to borrow your car all the time. Sometimes he just uses the space to cry. He also claims that's the best place to conduct intern interviews, which explains the velvet Elvis, lava lamps and mesquite scented massage oils. On the plus side there's one less car there since Jim Gardner bailed.
There are about 12 open parking spots in Bricktown. Total. On the weekends you usually have to entrust your car's safety to toothless fellas who look like their names might be Skeeter or Jim Bob. People you wouldn't let in your home you let watch your car AND pay them to do it. That's like paying to make out with Rit Mathis. You don't win and you're out $15 and the only one smiling is the one who probably shouldn't.
With the recent trouble at Chesapeake, parking your car there is a dicey proposition. We've had some employees tell us during work hours uncle Aubrey breaks into the cars to rifle through the ashtrays for loose change to help come up with the kajillion dollars it's gonna take to maintain the status quo. We have word that as of January 1, 2013 all employees will be required to pay $143,000.00 per month parking rates. One more way to help bail out the Titanic of energy companies.
French Market Mall (63rd and May)
Sometimes it's fun to play detective. The best way to do that is to park at the French Market Mall. You can spend all day trying to figure out which 17-year-old piece of shit car/person with a Juggalo logo somewhere on it is responsible for screwing up your car by tearing the fenders off of it, or sideswiping it and not leaving a note all because that's the only Bed Bath & Beyond within non-ridiculous travelling distance of the metro. Stupid friends registering at lame ass BB&B cost me two fenders and an afternoon once. Just because the marriage ended doesn't get me my fenders back!
Penn Square Mall
Penn Square Mall is an anomaly. Nowhere else in the city do urban kids and unemployed Nichols Hills wives come together to shop in the same place. Because everyone has to act polite while inside, it's a damn hate fueled demolition derby in the parking lot. The worst placement of One-Way signs in the city coupled with everyone's complete inability to realize there's tons of parking near Macy's on the north side of the mall makes this one of the most treacherous parking lots in OKC.