Sometimes, I get sick of talking about Tulsa. The picket fences are still white, the SUVs that drive on our extremely narrow streets still fill up at QuikTrip, and weekly apartment fires are still attributed to meth scientists. The stoop kid's still afraid to leave his stoop. So this week, I'm going to do something different, and I'm not even going to get Patrick's permission first. I'm going to tell you about six really bad places to take a Tulsa 20-something girl (not me) on a date.
1. Ryan's Steakhouse or Golden Corral. These restaurants might be kind of trashy and crowded with people in muscle tanks and cut-off denim shorts, but well, so are a lot of places in our dear Oklahoma. These buffets aren't on the list just because if you take a lady there she'll think you're a financially strapped redneck--rather, buffet-style restaurants are included for your sake.
I am woman, hear me roar, but I lose my damn mind when soft-serve desserts and peppery cream gravy are involved. If I were on death row, honey-buttered rolls and gelatinous fruit salad would absolutely be a part of my last meal. There is no greater method of serving mashed potatoes than by way of an ice cream scoop. I might spend an hour making my hair look like I didn't fix it, and I will definitely wear at least four-inch stilettos, but give me access to an all-you-can-eat buffet of good ole' fashioned cafeteria food and any air of girlish mystery I had on my side will rapidly excuse itself out the nearest window. It's just really difficult to look sexy while eating BBQ ribs, my friends.
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2. Mickey Mantle's. I mean, if you want to compete for attention with man-candy like Nick Collison and Daequan Cook in the booth a few tables over, that's your own prerogative. But be warned: your girlfriend will not hear one word coming out of your mouth. She might even drool into the spinach artichoke dip. You won't have any fun, trust me.
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3. Any place that offers a VIP section and bottle service. Sin, Crush, and Ivey in Tulsa, Rok Bar in OKC, and the posh lounge Eve in Norman...back when it still existed. Now, when you go to places like Vegas, LA, or even Scottsdale, I understand that making a table reservation at a bar is often necessary when one needs to a) avoid a forty-five minute long line, or b) maintain their dignity around a pack of bouncers. However, we're in Oklahoma, and one of the great things about living here is the ability to just say "no" to pretentious tomfoolery such as this.
No, paying $150 for a waitress in a corset to pour you fresh Captain Morgan beverages all night will NOT impress a proper lady. The sort of chicks who appreciate this kind of gesture have (at some point in their life) considered a profession in the same ballpark as the next location on the list...
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4. This place.
Same goes for Xxx-Tasy, Eternity, and Cloud 9's Legs and Eggs buffet. However, I would recommend taking that special lady in your life to see Magic Mike. Not only will you earn the title of boyfriend of the year, but you also get to see Olivia Munn's boobies within the first 30 seconds of the film. Win-win.
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5. Any place where you know the hostesses, bartenders, and the manager. You're not a Goodfella, nor are you James Bond. Instead of being impressed that you've got friends who can get you the best table at Chili's, this sends up red flags in any respectable girl's radar. The bartender knows what drink he always order? Alcoholic, for sure. He's probably slammed that hostess too. And what sort of a schmuck shakes hands with the manager of an Olive Garden?! I'm making this loser take me home as soon as I finish my filet mignon medallions and entire bottle of wine. Cue the "migraine."
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6. Your home. Dates begin with an activity--be it painting figurines, bowling, watching a movie, or eating food. If funds are tight, you can achieve the feeling of going on a classy adventure by having a picnic near Lake Hefner or Woodward Park. The slow build, the tension, the subtle caresses, these are all very good things. If things go really well, then a home is not a bad place to end up. But, starting at home is just setting yourself up for failure.
"How?" one might ask. Well, you're setting the stage for a few different unwanted scenarios:
a) You live in a 10 x 13 foot studio, and the chick you're with is shallow normal. A grown man-child living in squalor is a pretty scary thing for even the most laid-back sort of manic pixie dream girl. If your digs are below par, don't worry, it's not a deal breaker. Just let your pretty face and winning personality woo her, and after a couple months, your bad credit and student loans for that philosophy degree will hardly be an issue.
b) She's a whore. I know right, initially this sounds awesome. But remember, I'm talking about your home being the starting place of a date. Now, you have some skank dozed off in your bed and it's only 8:00. What are you going to do now, tell her you have to wake up go to bed early for work tomorrow?
c) You have a great home, and she's a great girl. Still abide by this rule, even if you live in a castle in Gaillardia or Southern Hills, and she's a doctor, lawyer, or the knock-out gorgeous CEO of an interior design firm. Tell a woman to meet you at your own house, and she'll absolutely think you're unimaginative, lazy, and just looking for a booty call. Seriously, don't do it. I honestly think you'd fare better taking her to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill.
d) If you're in a steady relationship...then staying at home never constitutes a date. Even if your wife/fiance/long-term girlfriend wears something other than sweatpants and serves the take-out you ordered on actual plates. If this is your idea of a date, well, expect the kids to wet the bed or one of you to pass out from exhaustion before the fun even begins.
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For more words of wisdom, you can follow me on Twitter at @xCawoodstock. Just so you know though, the second life coaching session will cost you a pretty penny.
