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Mailbag: Best of Lankford Steely Upton Dive Bomb

8:45 AM EDT on July 13, 2012

Good afternoon, Moles.

In case you were unaware, today is July 13th. That means in just two months we're going to be on the edge of autumn and football season will be in full swing. I'm very sorry if I just gave you an erection.

Anyway, in this week's mailbag we'll discuss a variety of issues like astronomy, mathematics and Greek philosophy. Just kidding, we're going to talk about the typical stuff like politics, boobs and the media.

Also, please remember that this week's mailbag is brought to you by our friends at Flint. It's the new downtown restaurant at the bottom of the Colcord, which just happens to be next to that really big shiny building that you can see from Norman. As always, the person who sent us the best email this week will win a gift certificate to Flint. If you win, remember to look out for Clark Matthews. He usually has supper at Flint every Wednesday. Clark Mathews calls it "Crab Dip Wednesdays." No lie, the guy will eat three bowls of crap dip for supper. What a weirdo.

To this week's emails:

Tom writes:

Dear TheLostOgle,

I need some relationship help and you seemed like the best people to ask (not really, but I can't afford a licensed therapist at this time).

A couple of years ago I met a man named James Lankford and ours was a relationship worthy of most marriages.  He would call me names in parking lots and I would correct him in front of large crowds if I noticed him saying something wrong.  It was just like the relationship my parents had.

Alas, our relationship was cut short because a new job required him to go to Washington, D.C.

After that, we only communicated through Facebook.  He would do status updates and I would comment on it when he was wrong.  It was almost like old times.

Of course, he never responded to my comments, but his followers would.  It was just like talking to James's very own army of Tea Party mini-mes.

I discovered this week that my dear James has deleted my comments from Tuesday (07-10-12).  He's also blocked me from ever commenting again.

I'm so confused because my comments were the normal 20 word to 600 word responses you would expect from anyone with too much information and time on their hands.

I've included an ugly word file version of the conversation so you'll have a copy.

TheLostOgle, please tell me why James has suddenly turned his back on me and everything we had.  Was it something I said?

I don't know. Maybe he blocked you on Facebook because he was annoyed that you provided logical questions and responses to his clichéd Republican talking points. Or maybe it had something to do with the rabbit you boiled in his kitchen. It has to be one of the two.

In all seriousness, I can't really blame Lankford for blocking you on Facebook. I do it to people now and then on our TLO account. At last check, it is our Facebook page. If I don't want some crazed 55-year-old man from Holdenville posting nutty tea party crap on our page, I should have the right to block him.

Also, this has nothing to do with me being for censorship or against free speech. If someone has a big problem with what we write or say, they should have the right to say it. Just do it on your own Facebook wall, not ours.

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Ethan writes:

Here is video of a Mississippi Kite dive-bombing me on a jog yesterday morning, in Chickasha.  Apparently unplugging my hands free screwed up the audio but it was actually shrieking as it got close.

Ethan sent the video as an attachment. I uploaded it to YouTube. Here it is:

Jesus Christ! Thank Gary England we didn't have audio or I would have shrieked my pants!

I've lived in Oklahoma for 34-years and have never heard about small hawks attacking people. Now in just one week we've learned they're dive-bombing motorists in Midwest City and joggers in Chichasha, Oh well, at least all this is happening in towns I would never want to visit.

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Max writes:

Man you guys hear Steely on WWLS ripping trivia night this morning?  he was saying that the young crowd is a sorry bunch of people and that the team names and everything they do is dirty.  I think the old man has lost touch.

I followed up on this and it appears Steely was ripping a different trivia night and not one of ours, but I don't care, an attack against one trivia night is an attack against them all. We're aligned kind of like NATO, only we don't have a nuclear arsenal and/or diplomats.

Couple of thoughts:

• You're spot-on about Steely losing touch. During the mid to late 1990s, he was the funniest guy on The Sports Animal. Hell, I kind of had a man-crush on the guy. Now he's just a bitter, whiny, out-of-touch old dude who's stuck doing tired impersonations of Pat Jones, Gary Gibbs and his "Uncle." It's like he's given up. Having Bob Barry Jr. steal your wife can do that to man.

• We're now giving bonus points for the next couple of weeks to any trivia team that incorporates a Mike Steely reference into their name. Last night at O'Connell's, three teams did this:

Despite the good attempts by the Steely-inspired teams, I give the "Best Team Name" award to Christopher Walken on Sunshine.

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Lanez writes:

According to a report by the site/blog "Jezebel," another site called Skinny Gossip claims that Oklahoma Sports Illustrated swim suit model is, well, erm, fat.

Seeing as you all are experts on Ms. Upton's physique, I thought this might interest you. In the interest of "fair" reporting on fat people and all.

We've accomplished a lot in the five-year history of this site, but somehow turning Kate Upton into an Oklahoman may be the greatest thing we've ever done. Too bad she's dating Justin Verlander.

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Blake asks:

Mighty Ogles -

I'm sure you guys are stocked about being in the Gazette's Best of Oklahoma City issue, but isn't it time the Gazette ended this silly charade. Some of the nominees are ridiculous. Would you guys consider a "Best of" issue? I'm sure you're would be more fair, accurate and a whole lot funnier.

Yeah, the Gazette ending the "Best of OKC" would be like the mall closing down for Christmas. It's not going to happen. I'd bet the Gazette reels in more advertising dollars from their "Best of OKC" related issues than all other issues combined. Of course, that doesn't count the massage parlor ads in the back. They always bring in money.

Anyway, I doubt we'll ever sellout to the point of doing a "Best Of" feature, but we are going to continue to burn our bridges and do another "Worst of OKC" this August. It might be a little smaller and have a different format, but we're still going to do it.

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