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Law and Order

The guy who invented the Green Goblin’s hoverboard tried to burn down a laundry mat

11:00 AM EST on November 29, 2011

The only time it's a good idea to lie about your occupation is when you’re applying for loan, working on a resume or trying to impress an attractive person at a bar. Other than that, you should never lie about what you do for a living…especially when talking with police about why you're trying to burn down a laundry mat.

From NewsOK:

Thomas Ackerman, 24, was arrested Nov. 18 on an arson complaint after a woman who showed up to close the 66 Laundry, 3634 NW 39, found him inside the burning business….

When police arrived, Ackerman said he wanted to be put in leg shackles for their safety because his feet “were certified weapons in Nevada.”

He also claimed to hold seven college degrees and said he worked as an architectural engineer, truck driver, mixed martial artist, traveling disc jockey, phlebotomist, stuntman and sex toy engineer.

Ackerman said he worked on the three most recent “Spider-Man” movies and used his engineering expertise to design the Green Goblin's hoverboard.

Ackerman was being held Monday in the Oklahoma County jail.

Let me get this straight. The guy bragged about his seven college degrees, dangerous leg kicks and knack for engineering sex toys and hover crafts, yet when he rambled off his list of exotic occupations, he casually slipped in that he was a phlebotomist. Yes, a phlebotomist. The person who gets paid $10 an hour to search for faint veins in the shriveled arms of old people and draw blood. I think we know what this guy does for a living.

Thomas Ackerman needs to take a refresher course in lying. If you are going to lie about what you do, the best course of action is to simply exaggerate. That way you’ll sound somewhat believable. For example, I never tell the girls at Edna’s that I’m a full-time obscure local social blogger. I usually say something like “I publish a popular news and entertainment website” or “I work for my uncle Aubrey at Chesapeake.” They fall for those every time.

Anyway, this guy should have done something similar. Instead of claiming to invent the Green Lantern’s hoverboard, he should have just bent the truth and said "I'm a medical professional in the healthcare field" or “I run a successful methamphadime manufacturing business." Hell, he could have even said “Fuck me, I’m an unemployed phlebotomist. Let me burn in this laundry mat.” That probably would have convinced the police to let him go.

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