Skip to Content
Everything Else

Page 3: Real Mail From Fake Readers (III)

10:57 AM EDT on May 13, 2010

This past weekend, I flew somewhere. On a plane, that is. I don't fly all that often so of course I got a little apprehensive about it. Though most probably don't admit it, when you're about to get on a plane, you fear the worst. Malfunction engines, crashing, terrorists - the whole thing. I just sat there picturing the middle of the plane splitting open LOST style. I realize I have issues.

The other thing I get a little anxious about it going through the security check. It just makes you feel guilty of doing some kind of wrong. I always feel like I have a Desert Eagle in my backpack that totally slipped my mind. Then they call me aside, cuff me and in 30 seconds my face is smashed to the floor and I'm being dragged to an interrogation room where I'm waterboarded and burned with a blowtorch by Jack Bauer.

And of course, as I go through the line this time, an airport security guy says, "Mr. Young, could you step to the side." He pulls my backpack over, puts on rubber gloves and makes me stand back. He says, "Sir, did you know you had a pocket knife in your bag?" So of course I had visions of jumper cables and my nipples getting well acquainted shortly. Turns out, no big deal. They just threw it away. Yet I wanted to be sure they knew I had no intentions. I couldn't walk away and let those people think they'd foiled some major terrorist plot. So I kept making annoying comments like, "Hah, can't believe I did that" and "I'm so sorry"¦ I usually check my bag." Regardless, I expect a call from Homeland Security any second now. BUT I'M NOT TALKING. I'M INNOCENT.

What was the purpose of this story? Really there is none, other than to just serve as a standard introduction to some fake mail.

I'm trapped in some guy's basement. Please send help. "“ Rick Mitchell

Speaking of LOST, I hear that Channel 5 cut in and made people miss the last few minutes of it Tuesday night. I wouldn't know this, because I don't watch LOST.

But here's the thing with weather cut-ins. They aren't that necessary typically. Unless a tornado is bearing down on your house RIGHT THAT SECOND, couldn't the cut-in wait like two or three more minutes? Besides, most of the time, they're just updating you on some storm out in Elk City. As if you need to know that they are having golfball sized hail. Obviously if the situation is totally a life or death thing, the cut-in is necessary. But in this case it really wasn't. Channel 9 didn't interrupt NCIS and we all know the die-hard cult following of the show (sarcasm).

I remember two years ago, CBS didn't show us One Shining Moment because of some thunderstorms in the metro. I was pissed. Not pissed enough to be one of those annoying people to call the station and complain, but I definitely griped to my roommate what I WOULD say if I DID call them.

So, um, are we about to get screwed? "“ Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe

This madness over conference re-alignment is confusing. I realize it's all money driven, but a 16-team conference? And of course they'd still call it the Big 10, because they're pricks like that.

I don't know what to think about it honestly. Missouri can take off, but I'd be sad if Nebraska left. And then the dominoes would surely start to fall. Would the SEC swoop in and try and grab OU and Texas? Would the Pac 10 make a play? Would the Big 12 try and retool?

The real question is, what sucks so much about the Big 12? Since when is it the crappy conference everyone wants out of?

I will now wait for someone to grossly overpay me millions of dollars because of a YouTube video. Suck it."“ Greyson Chance

But seriously though, that kid is pretty darn talented. And the stones it took to go on Ellen and not poop his pants while playing the song perfectly. He definitely looks like he was cut out of the Disney Channel factory for child stars though, doesn't he?

Hey Val, can you refresh your screen? "“ Gary England like 200 times last night to Val Castor

I don't know if anyone was watching the severe weather coverage but Gary had to ask Val literally at least 10 times to refresh his screen. And Val kept not getting it. I found this lightly humorous.

Oh , and how about those tornadoes, huh? - Everybody

Tornadoes are all fun and games until one completely ravages your house. I love watching severe weather coverage, but it always loses its fun when you see images of neighborhoods destroyed. I can't even imagine.

Everyone always says that you don't have time to be upset about your house because the feeling of relief that you're alive is too overwhelming. That wouldn't be me. I'd just stand there being PISSED the entire time. I'd never stop looking at the pile of rubble in front of me. Yeah you can rebuild and stuff, but that SUCKS. Your freaking house just got plowed in two seconds.

But I guess if I'm picking between that and dying, I'd go with the house getting explodified. But not by much though.

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter