Page 3: Why Your City Sucks: Yukon

Full disclosure: I graduated from Mustang High School. Therefore, I dislike Yukon and can think of many reasons it sucks. All the kids that went to Yukon High were stuck up jerks that thought they were going to Edmond North and only graduated so they could enroll at OCCC. The town smells, the mayor is probably an idiot and everyone that lives there hates America. That should cover it.

But seriously though, I basically grew up in both Yukon and Mustang and Yukon is a great town. It's totally exploded the last 10 years. There are good places to eat everywhere. They are building a brand new high school, which is supposedly going to be pretty nice. (Though Yukon High will now be located on MUSTANG ROAD. Suck it, Yukon.) Overall, Yukon is a great place to live. But in the spirit of this silly little column, let me give a few negatives:

The Dollar Theater. Now they've finally wised up and built a new movie theater a couple years ago, but for the last 200 or so years, the only place to catch a flick in Yukon was the Silver Cinemas Dollar 5 Theater.

Four things: 1) It used to be a dollar for a ticket. Now it's like $4.50 or something. Not really much of a "dollar" theater then, now is it? More like "dollars," amirite? 2) Sometimes it gets new releases, sometimes it doesn't. It's hit and miss. If you can't wait to see Alvin and the Chipmunks on opening night, I guarantee you they'll have it, because I have no desire to see that. If you're looking forward to District 9, forget it. They'll get that after it's released on DVD.

3) No place is more outdated. The concrete floors are constantly sticky, there are only two stadium seating screens, the seats actually have a puff of dust when you sit in them and I think if you eat a hot dog there, you will die. It's very much like The Alex in that Seinfeld episode. If someone wanted to do a re-enactment of John Wilkes Booth assassinating Lincoln, Silver Cinemas 5 would be a good candidate. And 4) The parking lot is completely screwed. It's all on a slope. In some areas, I think if you're driving a conversion van you might actually have to fear your vehicle tipping over while you're inside catching The Proposal. And what inevitably happens when you're parked on a slant is that some moron doesn't think about it when he opens his door and gravity swings the thing hard right into the side of your car. How do I know this? Because I was the moron once.

The Mill. So is that thing actually functioning? Is it some kind of landmark? What's the big deal about it?

Wal-Mart Supercenter. A childhood memory: When the Wal-Mart Supercenter opened on Garth Brooks Blvd. (at that time it was still Cemetery Rd. there), it was like the President was coming to town. People took their kids out of school early, families were lining up to be the first in the doors and the whole town was abuzz. And at that time, it probably was one of the biggest days in Yukon's history. Back then, there was nothing there other than Route 66, Harry Bear's and a high school.

Yukon has like five hotels. Why? Who is coming in to Yukon for three nights and really needs their choice of a Hampton Inn, an Express Holiday Inn or a Days Inn? Does the mill really attract that much tourism? Or maybe people are trying to pretend it's like Graceland, just for Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines instead.

There is a Sonic about every two square miles. I count four off the top of my head, though the one on Morgan is probably technically Oklahoma City. Like I said, Yukon really has a pretty nice selection of eateries, but if you want some tots and chicken toaster, Yukon's got you covered.

Now to a few reader comments:

Michael: Puke on Yukon. That's all. (OK, that was me. On to the actual reader comments.)

Andy: "1. People refer to it as "The New Edmond." No, it's not. Yukon is "The Forgotten Suburb," and is mentioned in conversation even less than Jones.

2. The Mormon Temple. Umm...does this need explanation? It's freaky, it's in the middle of a neighborhood, and I hear that underground it is twice as voluminous as the above-ground portion.

3. Garth Brooks. Again, does this need explanation? He was cool in 1995...fifteen years and a Chris Gaines later, he's a balding un-retired lounge act in Vegas. On the plus side, he's not Toby Keith."

John: "OK, Weatherford has a fascination with the astronaut, Thomas Stafford. Yukon seems even more obsessive about a native son - Garth Brooks. His name is on a water tower, there are several signs around town that note Yukon is the birthplace of Garth Brooks, they even renamed a major street after him - Garth Brooks Blvd. Thank God someone stopped them from renaming the cemetery to "Friends in Low Places".

Also, Yukon is a speed trap. The north-south streets always seem to have cops just waiting to jump on someone going a couple of miles over the speed limit. I saw someone get stopped for going about 38 mph in a 35 zone."

Jenna: "I personally LOVE Yukon! Canadian County is the fastest growing county in the state." I think you kind of missed the point of all this...

Next up: Small towns! Let's compile it all into one big post. If you have something to say about a small town, from Shattuck to Union City to Geary to Holdenville, send it in to dailythunder@gmail.com.