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Kegmeister Dick Pryor: How to Make OETA Pay For Itself

8:00 AM EDT on July 15, 2009

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(Editors note: Remember Eliot?  He's back.)

As the only statewide television service in Oklahoma (if you do not count KSBI or KFOR's transponders), OETA has a charge to educate and inform Oklahomans.  Unfortunately, for their news service, that means reporting on the very body that provides OETA with its budget. Laying aside their dubious success in accomplishing this mission, OETA has some money flow problems.  The legislature is not giving OETA more money, and evidently the OETA endowment exists to draw compound interest. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting can't sell real commercials. How OETA pay for itself? Lacking a solution, we'll all have to listen to the whiny liberal Montessori-educated cries of "you're gonna kill Big Bird and Elmo!

Here's what we came up with at the undisclosed and mythical Jennifer Berry memorial poker tournament, held at an undisclosed location near Jenks:

Dick Pryor, Microbrewer: Former sportscaster, former political consultant, lawyer, runs online content for OETA, fries turkeys, and also anchors "Oklahoma Forum."  Dick looks like a guy who could brew some great beer.  So, have him host Dick Pryor's Oklahoma Pour'em in the place of the OETA Movie Club, and replace B. J. Wexler's popcorn popper with a keg and a tap. Then, Pryor can bring in journalists and newsleaders to "gather around the bar." Course, first we'd have to get rid of our 3.2 beer law . . .

RandyCam: Put a web cam on top of the head of Rep. Randy Terrill so that we can get Randy's perspective during interviews. Be warned, his head tilts to the right. Spanish-speaking viewers will want to activate the "SAP" function (Los espectadores de habla hispana querrán activar "SAP" funcionan por favor).

Make Jason Doyle appear at Kids' Birthday Parties as a Pirate: Doyle is a great reporter, and he moonlights at KTOK-1000 to keep his ideological balance. He is also unique in the Oklahoma City and Tulsa media markets as the only reporter with a full beard and moustache.  The fact that the hair is red only adds to the reaction of my son, E. T. (Eliot Too), who looks at the TV when Doyle comes on and says "Daddy! Daddy! A pirate says Aaaargh!"  So, why not cash in?

Sell the naming rights for tornadoes spotted in Ross Dixon's weather reports. This one is largely self-explanatory: "We've got a category 3 coming out of Binger! That baby is being brought to you by the Bricktown Hooters." Actually, I am surprised Rick Mitchell has not already tried this over at Channel 5.

Have Gerry "U.S." Bonds perform Woody Guthrie songs at the top of every news cast.

Four Words: "Oklahoma Passage "“ The Musical." Featuring Kristin Chenoweth as "Miz Hannah." (Actually, I needed an excuse to link to this photo).

License Holographic Rights to George Tomek:  George Tomek is the sobering, thoughtful nightly co-anchor of the "Oklahoma Report," host of "Legislative Week," host of "Oklahoma's Business." The one voice in the state more lulling than Tomek is that of the guy who announces the location of the luggage carousel and ground transport beyond the security checkpoint at Oklahoma City's airport terminal.  Tomek might wake them up just enough, especially if we pair his voice with a grandfatherly hologram to tap their shoulder and guide them past the airport Sonic and into the security check point.

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