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Joey’s Top-10…Ways to Die in Oklahoma

12:00 PM EDT on June 3, 2009

(edit. - Meet Joey.  Joey is going to break off a weekly top-10 list about things in Oklahoma.  Perhaps in future columns he'll even introduce the list.  For now, the headline should clue you in.)


10. Noodling

I have to admit, I had no idea what noodling was until I googled "Oklahoma Noodles" a few years ago in college. I was attempting to find a good Vietnamese Pho restaurant at the time to nurse a raging hangover achieved by pounding lunchboxes at Edna's the night before. That's when I clicked on a site dedicated to the "sport" of noodling. God help us all. Apparently the act of catching mutant catfish by sticking your hand in a dark lake hole and daring the fish to rip off your arm is quite popular in Oklahoma, it's also ferociously dangerous. Who knew? So dangerous in fact, that Oklahoma made national news when a man noodling near Arcadia in Edmond was found face down in the water. The phenomenon is so popular some people actually decided to make a documentary exploring the last decade of rednecks catching catfish bigger than a 12 year old with only their arms as bait.


9. Cow chip tossing

Ok, so I couldn't find any cases where anyone actually died cow chip tossing. That doesn't mean it hasn't happened. There are people that have died brushing their teeth, so there has to be some undocumented cases of someone somewhere in the "Cow Chip ThrowingCapital of the World" (Beaver, Oklahoma) dying after getting nailed in the face by a gigantic cow turd.

7. Driving on I-40"¦or really any road in Oklahoma

It's no secret we have bad roads here, about once every five years you hear about a story in some capacity, where a bridge breaks down and people die. I-40 has been falling apart for years and there have been reports of very large chunks of the road actually falling off in the OKC metro area. Every time I drive by white water, I imagine what it's going to look like from the Acapulco Cliff Dive when two miles of interstate come crumbling to the ground.

6. Robbing a pharmacy.

So maybe you've heard by now the controversy surrounding the shooting of the would be pharmacy robber in Oklahoma City. Basically three bored kids with guns decided it would be a good idea to pass the time and steal some money and drugs from a local pharmacy. Wrong !@#ing pharmacy. One of the employees went Scarface on their asses and unloaded an entire clip in one of the said suspects. The moral of the story is, if you're going to rob a pharmacy do your research first and ask all employees ahead of time if they're card carrying member of the NRA. If you're the gun toting pharmacist, use some discretion and don't pump a 16 year old full of the equivalent of a lead pipe, you might end up being charged with murder.


5. Swimming in the Oklahoma River.

Who ever thought it would be a good idea to hold a triathlon in the Oklahoma River should do us all a favor and go noodling at Arcadia. Seriously though, I was cooking a steak quesadilla with homemade guacamole when I sat down to read some local news. Suffice it to say I didn't finish my meal after reading about twenty or so triathletes that got explosivediarrhea after swimming a few miles in the Oklahoma River and ingesting enough bacterial fecal matter to ruin their week.


4. Cutting the heads off of police officers at the Capitol building.

 You're going to have to allow me to elaborate on that.

A few weeks ago an anti-government protester in Oklahoma City made international news by saying he was going to storm the capitol steps and cut police officer's heads off on Twitter. Brilliant, I know. Claiming he was going to be "the first death" in some kind of social revolution, the guy made twitter history by being investigated by the FBI and arrested for his threats on the web site.

3. Attempting to break up a bar fight between Mike Morgan and Steve Lackmeyer.

A few months back, Steve Lackmeyer dared questioningthe meteorological might of Mike Morgan, and subsequently called him out on his "OKCcentral" blog. Mike "Dracula" Morgan went on to defend his weather prowess and fired back stating:

"I ask you now, show some balls and lift this email and prominently post it on your twitter site!"

First off that quote is ten times funnier if you say it with King Author's accent from Monty Python and Holy Grail. Go ahead, do it.

I knew after reading Mike's diatribe that if I was ever at the Fox and Hound on Memorial shooting the breeze with Mike Morgan on a rainy/snowy/beautiful night and Steve Lackmeyer happened to walk in, there is a good chance I'd get caught in the cross fire and die.


2. Storm chasing

Being a former storm chaser myself, I know firsthand the dangers and stupidity of driving 80 miles per hour in pursuit of a spinning column of wind chunking cinder blocks at your face. I also know that everyone in Oklahoma considers themselves amateur storm chasers. See, the danger isn't so much from the storm itself so much as it's getting into a traffic jam with the other 400 cars in the area trying to get a glimpse of a "nadir" ripping a Del Ranchooff the foundation or maybe getting hit in the face with Dan Threlkeld's tornado induced boner as he passes you on the shoulder of the road.


1. Eating at Bobo's chicken.

Early on college when I was still getting drunk on Boone's Farm and Kentucky Delux one of my friends rolled in while I was playing the duck hunt drinking game. Looking like he was about to hurl all over my vintage 80's Nintendo system, I told him to take a shot and pass out in the bathroom. He did. Before he made friends with my toilet that night he dropped a Styrofoam container on my kitchen table with what smelled like smoked meat and sweet love.

Curious, I stumbled my way over and popped open the container to find a mound of smoked/fried chicken with fried rolls and cayenne sprinkled fries all soakingin a pool of honey. It was the most fantastic thing I've ever had in my entire life; in fact I'm almost positive they sprinkle a crack/heroin mixture on the chicken before soaking it in honey.

I've been eating the chicken for 8 years now and I've never looked back. There is nothing healthy about Bobo's, there is no nutritional value at all. If I had to guess I'd say that every wing you eat takes a week off of your life. At this rate I'm going to die in 4 days. It's not going to stop me though, at my funeral I'm going to ask those of you I leave behind to have Bobo's do the catering.

Besides the obvious health risks you take in eating the chicken, you also risk life and limb obtaining the chicken. See, Bobo's isn't a restaurant, it's a concession trailer opened on Friday and Saturday night from 8PM to 4AM on 23rd St. and Martin Luther King Blvd. Only a select few times have I ever gone to Bobo's without someone with me to keep the car running in case an Uzi is pulled out. I kid you not, I've seen guns tucked away in the clothing of patrons around me when buying my chicken. The chicken is just that damned good. If you get shot, take solace in knowing that you're not the only one out there that's been shot at while purchasing the best chicken on the planet.

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