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Clark Matthews presents…

7:29 PM EST on March 7, 2008

So I forward this story around to my fellow Lost Ogles. First, Tony responds back with an idea to write an article about the most awesome elementary school mascots in Oklahoma. Then, Patrick comes up with an ode about what kind of prodigy this child must be. Apparently, he was in high school before showing up to class three sheets to the wind. Neither of those were the quite the angle I was anticipating.

As such, I decided to pursue the story a different way. This four year old drunkard was from my hometown, so I used my The Village contacts and tracked her down in hopes of getting some answers. Boy, did I get them. After the jump, Four-Year-Old-Drunk-Chick explains how KTOK's Mark Shannon drove her to the bottle.

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Every afternoon, my mom likes to ratchet up the stress of having been to school by tuning in to KTOK.com.  She do this because they recently hired Mark Shannon and there's not much she loves more than making my ears bleed.

Mark Shannon went from obscurity, to being kind of popular, back to obscurity, and now kind of popular again. Mark has managed to make everyone angry everywhere he's worked.  Mark claims he was born without a sense of smell but in reality it's from all the cocaine he did in the eighties.  He'll admit this if you get to know him well enough.  So where does a washed up guy like that find work?  The final resting place for subpar radio personalities is KTOK.  For the past couple of months he's been on the air every weekday from 4-6.  It feels like this many (edit:  she holds up seven fingers) hours though.

Mark Shannon's opinions are merely the echoes of those more talented--and by talented I mean better compensated to spew ignorance.  For two hours every afternoon he rants about everything and nothing.  To save you two hours of your life, here's his show in a less wordy and more coherent nutshell:

He is the funniest person alive. Just ask him. His clever wordplay is riveting. He refers to Barack Obama as Obama Bin-Laden, Obama Bin Airbag or Obama Bin Jivin'.  That's right.  Jivin'. Not racist, at all.  It's funny to make fun of people's names! Get it?!  Okay, I'm four and even I don't think that's clever.

Mark has battled, and continues to battle, cancer.  It's apparently the best thing to ever happen to him because cancer gives him that badge of one upness he so prides himself on.  "What does Hillary know?! Has she ever had CANCER? I have!"  Someone should tell him he's not the first person to have ever dealt with cancer.  I'm having a hard time deciding if cancer is awful because it really is horrible or because Mark Shannon thinks it makes him special.  Cancer has replaced his alcoholism as his go to victim topic.

Here's every Mark Shannon story.  Print it out and make up your own!

Once I was [drinking/doing drugs] with [band only popular in the 80's] when [some guy he used to work with and now hates] and I saw [local newscaster] with the [employee from from former radio station] making out
!  That's the type of guy who would vote for [anyone he doesn't like] and would probably cheat on his spouse [ignoring the fact he, himself, is a rampant philanderer].

If you get bored just log on to KTOK.com or listen in your car.  Just for fun, take a shot every time he mentions rehab, cancer, a music group from the eighties or makes fun of someone's name.  That's how I got sent home from school.

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