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These Are Events That Should Take Place In Oklahoma

By Tony

1:11 PM EDT on October 25, 2007

We all know that events such as the World Cow Chip Throwing Contest and the State Prison Outlaw Rodeo take place in our great state, but there are some events that take place elsewhere that I think should take place here in Oklahoma. Here is The Lost Ogle's guide to those.

Watermelon Thump

Currently in... Luling, Texas

Should in... Rush Springs

The Watermelon Thump is a festival held every year in some place called Luling, Texas. I don't know about you guys, but I think this is crap. Rush Springs is the Watermelon Capitol of the World, everybody knows this. I know it because I once was driving by Rush Springs and saw a bigass fake watermelon on the side of the road that said "Watermelon Capitol of the World." And now some bastard Texan is trying to horn in on our watermelon festivals? First, they bomb Boise City. Then they try and steal our watermelon festivals. This aggression will not stand, man. Brad Henry needs to start planning an invasion. Remember the Rush Springs! That would be our battle cry.

Torturing of Prisoners

Currently in... Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

Should be in... The RUF/NEKS headquarters

As you know, the current RUF/NEKS have been banned from university events at OU. A university investigation into hazing activities uncovered that the RUF/NEKS had used "sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, demeaning actions and the potential for physical harm" on their pledges. Is it me, or does this sound remarkably like what we have been accused of doing to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Why should we waste our time with Gitmo when we've got the RUF/NEKS? Just send all of the prisoners to Norman.

Naval Academy Graduation

Currently in... Annapolis, Maryland

Should be in... Port of Catoosa

Is it me, or is the fact that there is a port in Oklahoma kind of strange? But also, kind of awesome. I call things like that "strawesome." I invent new words all the time. That's just how I roll. Although the students of the Naval Academy spend most of their time in Annapolis, I think that for their graduation they should have to come to the Port of Catoosa. That way there would be more publicity for Catoosa, and also the graduates could have a triumphant sending off as a boat takes them down the Arkansas River.

Running of the Bulls

Currently in... Pamplona, Spain

Should be in... The Underground

Am I the only one who thinks it's crap that in the Running of the Bulls you are allowed to climb the fence in order to avoid the bulls? That is not fair to the bulls, and it is the reason the Running of the Bulls should be moved to Rand Elliott's underground walkways. Then there would not be that sissy climbing out of the way crap. Also, instead of having a set time every year to run the bulls, we would randomly let them go when no one knew it.

Division I-AA Football Playoffs

Currently in... Various Places

Should be in... Craig Humphreys' backyard

If they ever decide to make a movie about Craig Humphreys, I hope Hollywood consults with me, because I already have a name picked out (To answer your question: Yes, this is what I think about. To answer your follow-up question: No, I haven't had a date in years). Anyway, the name of the movie about Craig Humphreys life would be: Playoff: One Man's Lonely Quest To Get An NCAA Playoff System... And The University Presidents Who Wouldn't Listen. To film the crucial final scene, they should move the Division I-AA playoffs to the Hump Man's back yard, dress the teams up in USC and LSU and Michigan uniforms and tell Craig that the NCAA has instituted a playoff system, and as a tribute to him for all his hard work over the years they are playing the games at his house. Triumphant music would play in the background while a lone tear rolls down Humphreys' cheek. Also, John Saraceno would narrate the movie.


Currently in... Various Exotic Locations

Should be in... Arbuckle Wilderness

I haven't watched Survivor in years, but they must be running out of settings for the show by now. Isn't this season 37 or something? I just went and checked Survivor's web site, and it appears that the show has never been set at Arbuckle Wilderness. Crazy, no? So as a celebration of Arbuckle Wilderness being named a state park, the show should take place there. It would have two tribes, the "Meteorologists" against the "Sportscasters," and they would be made up of the local media folks. Tell me you would not watch a show that features Chris Callahan and David Payne scheming to form an alliance while Mike Morgan rides around on a giraffe. That is television gold.

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