Out of all the Hallmark holidays designed to drain your checking account, Valentine’s Day is easily the hardest one to shop for.
Well, unless you go see our friends at Patricia’s.
With multiple locations across the state, Patricia’s has spent decades helping couples, singles, and the romantically confused find gifts that make Valentine’s Day actually fun, a little daring, and most importantly, memorable.
To prove this, I recently stopped by the Patricia’s on 615 E. Memorial with a very specific mission – find Valentine’s Gifts for members of the Oklahoma Freedom Caucus. You know, that circle jerk of lawmakers best known for opposing personal freedom, manufacturing moral panic, and making joy feel vaguely illegal.
I took on this task because...
A) It seemed like a fun and an immature way to promote Patricia’s.
B) If Patricia’s can help me shop for the Freedom Caucus, they can absolutely help you shop for whoever you’re trying to impress – or at least keep happy – this Valentine’s Day.
Here’s what I found:
State Sen. Shane Jett | Ball Gag
The only thing I know about the Ball Gag is what I learned from watching Pulp Fiction, but if anyone could use something to plug his mouth at the Capitol, it’s Shane Jett.
In recent weeks, Shane has accused fellow lawmakers of being drunk at the Capitol, filed a bill to force breathalyzers on the House floor, sparked public infighting within his own caucus, and been stripped of leadership roles.
Basically, for Shane, a ball gag wouldn’t be about kink. It’d be about restoring a little peace and quiet and drunken decorum to the legislative process.
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State Rep. Micheal Bergstrom | Bag of Dicks
There were no shortage of gift ideas for this book-burning, anti-LGBTQ+ lawmaker, but then I found the perfect fit in Patricia’s New Arrivals section. What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than a Bag of Dicks in every color of the rainbow?
Micheal can suck them, eat them, or share them with his fellow Freedom Caucus pals over a cozy Gaylentine’s brunch – a festive reminder that love comes in many forms, even the ones he’s spent his career trying to legislate out of existence
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State Sen. Dusty Deevers | Rock Solid Penis Pump
If any member of the Freedom Caucus screams rock-hard insecurity, it’s Dusty Deevers. From trying to ban “incompatibility” as grounds for divorce to loudly crusading against pornography while insisting on his god-given right to send unsolicited dick pics, the guy appears to be aggressively overcompensating for something.
Naturally, there wasn't a more appropriate gift than the Rock Solid Penis Pump. Produced by Rock Johnson, this vacuum device promises increased size and firmness – and, with any luck, might redirect some of that pent-up energy away from the legislature and toward something less harmful than wildly unhinged policy proposals.
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State Rep. Lisa Standridge | S&M Paddle
Based on all the draconian, borderline sadomasochistic legislation she’s written targeting homeless people over the past year or so, if anyone at the Capitol deserves a S&M Paddle, it’s Lisa. Sure, she’ll probably only use it to swat away unhoused people she passes on the street, but that’s better than not using it all.
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State Rep. Jim Olsen | Dickhead Ring Toss
This pearl-clutching member of the Freedom Caucus already resembles a sentient dickhead, so his Valentine’s gift practically selected itself. If Jim grows tired of the solo experience, he can distribute the pieces of the Dick Head Ring Toss to his Freedom Caucus pals and host a full-blown circle toss – a wholesome bonding exercise for men who spend their days legislating other people’s bodies.
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State Rep. Kendal Sacchieri | Patricia’s Gift Card
For this too-young-to-be-so-uptight member of the Freedom Caucus, we went with a $100 Patricia’s Gift Card, giving our lawmaker the chance to consult privately with the sexperts at Patricia’s while selecting her pleasures in peace. Basically, we’re not touching this one with a 10-foot stripper pole, which is incidentally also available at Patricia's.
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State Rep. Jim Shaw | Male Enhancement Pills
Paying people to back your causes signals fear that your best efforts won’t stand up unaided. For Valentine’s Day, we figured Jim could use a little help in that department. Patricia offers a wide selection of Male Enhancement Pills – longer, harder, hornier – whatever illusion you’re chasing. Jim gets Shark 5X, the pill designed to overcompensate for even the weakest performances.
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State Sen. Nathan Dahm | Caged Sex Doll
Sure, Nathan is now a former member of the Freedom Caucus, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to include him in TLO's shower of generosity for Valentine’s Day. The most extreme and horrible member in caucus history, Patricia’s helped us find a Caged Sex Doll that doubles as a public service, and Nathan can now release any women – or secrets – possibly locked in his basement.
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Whether your Valentine’s Day plans are sanctimonious, sexy, silly, or solo, Patricia’s probably has something fun for you. They’ve supported The Lost Ogle from the beginning, and we’re happy to return the favor in the least subtle way possible. Visit one of Patricia’s Oklahoma City locations this week: 615 E. Memorial Rd. and 8009 W. Reno Ave.
