This past weekend, I got in the car and made a two-hundred-mile road trip just for a cup of coffee.
Sure, that sounds weird, but my destination was the Harbor Mountain Coffee House in McAlester, Oklahoma, the small coffee outpost that Patrick always seems to reference whenever brewing a fresh pot of Ryan Walters content.
Curious about the reasons for these slow-roasted shoutouts, I asked Patrick if I could take the long trek out to McAlester for the Ryan Walters Resignation Sale to investigate and see why the spot receives so much attention and praise.
That's when Patrick explained the reason for the shoutouts is that, according to the town of McAlester, Ryan's wife developed a special affinity for the frothy lattes whipped out by the shop's owner. In fact, she liked them so much that she considered leaving Ryan for them! But, alas, true love won out over caffeinated pleasure, and by Ryan's side she still stands.
I care more about what I put in my own mouth than what others put in theirs, and though I was disappointed to learn the assignment was more about trolling Ryan than savoring great coffee, I still accepted it with gusto, grabbed my wife's hand, and drove to McAlester on Saturday for a much-anticipated cup.
We got to town around a little past noon last Saturday, with the amazing travel dog Sean in tow.
I have to say, the town of McAlester is bigger than I thought, with numerous sculptures of buffalo strewn about town, a notorious death row prison up the road, and, as a shining tower on the hill, the Freemasons lodge, the real power in town.
(Wait…Freemasons…Ryan Walters…you don’t think…do you?)
Even though there are three different Harbor Mountains around town, we went to the closest one, at 224 S. 3rd St. It is situated off the main strip with plenty of parking spaces in front, decorated with the typical (Christian?) band posters on the windows.
As soon as we entered, though, we immediately noticed the glaring display of merchandise that swaddled us in its touching embrace, with many shirt styles and sizes on display. But, beyond that, except for the guy sleeping on the couch near the large front window, the place was completely empty.
I pondered how a small-town independent coffee shop makes ends meet, especially when you have three of them, but my query was left unanswered when an unassuming teen came out from the kitchen. All smiles, she greeted us with a quick hello.
Hemming and hawing after a minute, my wife and I decided on our caffeinated drinks and, even though the glass case in front of us was somewhat barren, I ordered a bagel sandwich that they assured me was being prepared in the back.
I wanted something sweet to cap our late lunch and scratched that itch with an oatmeal raisin cookie from the plexiglass case on the counter. Sadly, though I craved more of a fresh homemade vibe, instead it was prepackaged from a California bakery that you would find at any Whole Foods.
Though I was somewhat embarrassed by my faux pas, the purchase was made anyway.
As we took our seats, the whole vibe Harbor Mountain gave off was of an evangelical church-sponsored coffeehouse. I asked the girl behind the counter if there were any churchy affiliations to the shop, but she said she didn’t think so. I didn’t press the issue, but the whole thing looked like the coffee shop that was run by the cult I was involved with a few years ago…but that’s a whole other story.
Either way, I leave this mystery to the audience.
After a few minutes, our drinks and snacks arrived, starting with my wife’s Pecan Pie Frappe ($6.50). According to the menu, it was a “cozy” mix of buttery pecan and maple “sweetness.” It was accompanied by the aforementioned mass-produced Alternative Baking Company’s Outrageous Oatmeal Raisin Cookie ($2.99).
To be honest, the cookie was a solid brick of oatmeal-flavored building materials and twice as delicious. Thankfully, the Pecan Pie Frappe was a surprisingly breezy take on coffee, cream, and the whole range of the always reliable Torani Flavored Drink Syrups.
My frappe of choice was the MAGA-inciting Cinco de Mayo ($6.50) mocha. As long as you have your papers, this drink was a Mexican treat with a predominantly cinnamon and milk-forward flavor, and I paired it with a Turkey and Provolone Tomato-Basil Bagel Sandwich ($5.65).
First of all, the Cinco de Mayo frappe is actually pretty amazing. While most people will liken the drink to a Caucasian fall, it was truly a Mexican fiesta in my mouth, and I am here for it. With the strong cinnamon flavor vibing with a horchata-like consistency, I could have 31 of them this month.
But what really rang my bell was the Turkey and Provolone Tomato-Basil Bagel. As much as a bagel could be, it was enthralling, especially with Harbor Mountain’s house cream cheese for the base layer. I don’t know how or where it’s sourced, but I would slather every piece of bread with that stuff.
It was a good snack that I ate like a real meal, surprising me in the process.
Putting our refuse in the trash, I almost got a t-shirt to commemorate our pilgrimage. As I was mentally haggling with this, my wife asked the girl behind the counter if they offered pup-cups.
Surprisingly, they did, topped with a Milkbone garnish no less. I gave Sean an errant piece of bagel, and he washed it down happily with a medium-sized cup of whipped cream. Good boy!
As we left the shop to head home, I realized that, regardless of any commandments being broken, Harbor Mountain Coffee House is just a typical coffee shop that is actually pretty good. Now, is it good enough to leave my wife for the owner? I don't think so, but I'm, thankfully, not married to Ryan Walters. Good riddance!
Cómpralo ya!
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Follow Louis Fowler on Instagram at @louisfowler78.
