I recently caught wind in the mail that Mazzio’s Pizza – our state's once beloved but now oft-forgotten pizza chain – had unveiled the most Oklahoma thing of all time: a Ranch Dressing bar.
As this site has chronicled like a sauce-streaked scroll of culinary scripture, Oklahomans have long held an unholy devotion to plunging their pizza slices into ranch dressing—a creamy, tangy baptism that transcends condiment status and ascends into full-blown cultural rite.
In fact, some flavor crusaders have even ventured deep into the Hidden Valley itself, braving buttermilk storms and garlic powder fog, all in pursuit of the perfect dairy-based companion to their grease-slicked, pepperoni-covered soulmate.
To honor these brave ranch-lusting souls, my wife and I stopped by our local Mazzio's to review each new flavor in the trough and see how the ranch paired with a variety of dippables and salad bar vegetables.
Despite the passing of 10-15 years since my last visit to Mazzio's, it was exactly as I remembered it: chaotic, a little messy, and a lot delicious.
Only an hour into lunch service, and I was already reminded of why I never really dined inside the famed pizza parlor: there was a mountain of plates covered with half-eaten pizza, full cups of flat soda, and tables soiled with splatters of said dressing scattered about.
Food critic notes mentally made, I went to the counter and placed my designated order: a small salad, an order of hot wings, and, of course, a medium pepperoni pizza. With a couple of drinks, it was around $25.00. Bargain!
I had no time to gawk as I went to the salad bar and noted the stainless steel canisters of dripping salad dressing, which were strewn all around the fresh lettuce, standard tomatoes, and other wanton salad fixings.
Looking over the labeled selections, in addition to the original Ranch—a true Mazzio’s fan favorite—they had a trio of somewhat distinct new flavors, including Smokey Ranch, Avocado Ranch, and, what I was sure would be my favorite, Jalapeno Ranch.
Swiping some plates from the register counter, I ladled a large swath of each dressing onto its own plate, for science. Here’s how each new flavor on the Ranch Bar looked and tasted, compared to the original:
(Original) Ranch: The Oklahoma cult-favorite.
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Smokey Ranch: It’s like ranch dressing, but with a hint of liquid smoke.
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Avocado Ranch: It’s like ranch dressing, but with a little bit of smooth avocados.
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Jalapeno Ranch: It’s like ranch dressing, but with a strong dash of freshly-cut jalapeno.
As my somewhat serviceable plates of ranch covered half of my area, I got right down to work. I tried all the different varieties of ranch, tasting each one in rapid succession, scribbling out my palate notes like a dripping sieve of a mayo-based condiment.
The Salad: The salad was as basic as it gets, with only lettuce and sliced tomatoes, but it worked just fine as a base bite for the pairings. Eaten with the salad, the smokey ranch was overpowering, the avocado ranch far too basic, and the jalapeno ranch…well, some things shouldn’t be tried.
Sorry, but the basic ranch wins in this preliminary salad category, with its full creamy, rich flavor — especially against the ingratiating taste of pure iceberg lettuce and smashed tomatoes.
The Traditional Wings: Eschewing the Thai sweet chili, sweet Memphis dry rub, and Spicy BBQ wings for the more practical mild Buffalo concoction, the original ranch didn’t have a real kick against the zesty classic hot sauce covering the wings; the smokey ranch was too bland; and the jalapeno ranch was not right at all.
The avocado ranch wins this wings round. Maybe it’s the contrast between the sweet green avocados with the savory and spicy chicken, but it works well. Really, I should have tried a hotter wing, as the avocado would be dampening the flames on the tongue.
The Medium Pepperoni Pizza: Now this is the taste I had been waiting for! The famous pepperoni pizza — with the cavernous cuts of pepperoni that well up with grease — was alright but not outstanding when tasted with the original and avocado varieties... and it was just plain bad with the smokey.
Yep, just like I thought, it was the jalapeno ranch that really made the pizza! With the hot, sweaty pepperoni on the thick, greasy crust, the jalapeno ranch covered the slice and gave it a real “zing” that made the whole bite sing.
The Final Verdict: Original, avocado, and jalapeño ranches each won their categories for flavor, leaving the smokey one in the dust. Those first three actually enhance the Mazzio’s menu — and for a few bucks, you can take some home. Win-win.
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Follow Louis Fowler on Instagram at @louisfowler78.
