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Hiss-teria Resolved: El Snako Captured! Claims Innocence in Recent Cat Slayings!

You can finally sleep easy in the Burntwood Trailer Park. 

Well, that is until your neighbors get in a 3am fistfight over their favorite NASCAR driver. 

Earlier today, Oklahoma Exotics Rescue and Sanctuary announced they have apprehended the feared and famous El Snako – the Snakeasaurus Rex that’s been hiding out in the park for several months allegedly terrorizing the local feral cat population.

As it turns out, El Snako is more hiss than bite. 

Although local pet detective Trevor “Red Beard” Bounds has portrayed the snake as a dangerous 13-foot Burmese python, slithering around the park at night eating local cats, possums, and footlong rats, the sanctuary claims he (or she) is just a wee little albino golden child reticulated python – one without any cats in its digestive system. 

Here’s their punctuation free Facebook post about it:

Boy, that’s a relief. 

When this story first developed, I thought some yokel in the trailer park would soon be selling a fresh pair of snake-skin bots on the Facebook marketplace. It’s nice to know El Snako is safe, sound and healthy. 

That being said, with this mystery solved, a new one has developed – Who’s killing all the cats in the Burntwood Trailer Park?!

I’ve used my deductive reasoning skills to identify the prime suspect:

Yep, it all makes sense now. 

Let’s say you’re the Dexter of the nuisance animal removal business, rescuing good indoor cats by day all while killing all the bad bird killers at night.

Let’s also say you’ve been burying those cat remains underneath trailers and mobile homes where nobody can find them, but some pesky neighborhood kids were on your trail and you needed to find a suspect to frame.

Wouldn’t it be smart to drop a python in the trailer park, send a pic of it to the local media, and then rush out on the scene, blame it for the cat murders, and then start the snake hunt for it?

Seriously, tt’s all just too convenient, isn’t it? I’ll do my best to explore this controversial theory – and others – in my new true crime podcast “Snake Serail: The Burntwood Cat Murders.” 

Until then, we’d like to wish El Snako the best of luck as he readjusts to human captivity and a new life of being hand-fed live chickens and rats in a box.

Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised. 

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