Being that next week is Christmas, cradle Christians across the metro are making a list and checking it twice, trying to figure out which Christmas service is the least likely to...
1. Be boring
2. Overlap with the TBS 24 hour showing of A Christmas Story and
3. Last more than an hour.
Thankfully, the metro’s own LifeChurch not only has multiple services scheduled throughout OKC over the holiday weekend, but they also boast on their website that attendees can expect to get their weekly helping of Jesus in 60 minutes or less.
But not so fast, you Christmas and Easter congregants. Just because Life.Church is basically the JiffyLube of churches, it doesn’t mean everyone is cut out to join. The Elders only want the cream of the crop in their Lord’s army. So here are 10 hazing rituals you’ll have to go through to join LifeChurch!
Communion Binges
Binge drinking is the hallmark of all hazing rituals, including that of LifeChurch’s initiation process. Pledges are expected to chug communion like they are making up for the 6-10 years they spent without a “home church” after college, which often translates to 3-4 bottles in a single setting. Word on the street is, last year a mother of 3 had to be medically treated for the intense heartburn she experienced after downing 5 liters of Welch's Grape Juice in a single afternoon.
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Apply a LifeChurch.TV Decal to Your Car
Hazing rituals often include forcing new pledges to wear something humiliating and do something embarrassing in public to prove their loyalty to the organization. This is why you see so many minivans and SUVs with LifeChurch.TV decals parked across 2 spots in Target parking lots.
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Help Find Money Hidden in Bathroom Walls
We don't know if there's money hidden behind walls at Life.Church, but based on all the CARES funding they scored, it wouldn't be a surprise.
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Obeying a Hierarchy
New members of the congregation are forced to sit in the back row of pews until they’ve either 1. Worked their way up the hierarchy through acts of service for the veteran members or 2. Donated at least a cumulative total $5,000 to the church.
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Partaking in Degrading or Humiliating Skits
Basically, new members can expect to play the part of the back half of the camel or one or the cheapskate wise men who bring frankincense or myrrh in the next Christmas program.
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Wear proper uniform
Just like how some fraternities make their new pledges wear Polo shirts and Sperry shoes, the wardrobe to get into to Life.Church apparently requires form-fitting denim, dark shirts and preferably more form-fitting denim. Basically, just dress up like you're an Imagine Dragons fan.
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Drills of Memorized Bible Verses
Pledges are expected to sandwich all greetings, salutations, questions, and general statements with the word-for-word reciting of a Bible verse from the King James edition, lest they be punished with a demerit or, worse, passive-aggressive/backhanded encouragement from the junior pastors’ wives.
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Putting a LifeChurch “Invite Someone to Church This Week” Sign in Your Yard
Places like LifeChurch need a constant stream of fresh blood to keep itself alive. Once pledges get a couple of new recruits to come to service, then they can transition to being the “Hazers” instead of the “Hazees,” just as God intended and the church elders promised.
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Join a Corporate Board
Preferrable one that pays six figures.
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Implied or Overt Threats if the Rules Aren’t Followed
If pledges don’t follow the rules and rituals of LifeChurch, they know they’re going to hell.
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Hayley has too weak of a constitution to join LifeChurch. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.
