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What Souvenirs Will Stitt Bring Back From Mexico?

6:35 AM EDT on November 4, 2021

If you’ve been following the further comical misadventures of Oklahoma governor Kevin Stitt as of late, you know that he’s currently on a “business trip” to speak with energy executives in Mexico, mostly as a passive-aggressive way to avoid dealing with the Julius Jones issue here at home. Here’s his Tweet that basically says that:

While Stitt’s south of the border, although there’s no way he’s going to leave whatever resort he’s currently booked in, that doesn’t mean that, probably at the airport on the way home, he’s not going to pick up a few cheap souvenirs for himself and the family, paid for using Oklahoma’s taxpayer money, of course.

That idea got me to thinking as to some of the foods, goods, and other trinkets that he might find funny and purchase, mostly because “Americans don’t got this stuff here!” So, here’s a list of a few souvenirs I guarantee he’s going to stuff in his expensive suitcase, if he hasn’t already.

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1. Large Comical Sombrero!

It’s like a hat, but larger! Expect this traditional Mexican hat to be broken out and wildly perverted whenever, at the Stitt abode, Mrs. Stitt makes barbecue tacos, barbecue enchiladas, or just barbecue by itself as he “entertains” guests.

2. Rapists, Murderers and Thieves!

As part of Stitt's crackdown on what disgraced former president Trump called an "invasion of rapists, murderers and thieves," he plans on heading to the border--the American side--for a last-minute viewing of these so-called criminals from the safety of a boat complete with a bulletproof vest and a photographer present to capture his stoic side.

3. Bags of Mexican Candy!

While most of it will probably be eaten on the plane ride home—complete with a sweet little ring of chocolate around his complacent mouth—it’ll be the closest thing he’ll get to real Mexican cooking, mostly because that food is just too darn spicy for his tender tummy.

4. Inexpensive Booze!

As you may have seen by now, Stitt’s got himself a big ol’ house, with a refrigerator that’s specifically for Mrs. Stitt’s booze—excuse me, I mean wine—collection. Like many a frat boy has in the past, Stitt will more than likely purchase as much inexpensive wine as he can fit in his suitcase for his drunken first lady.

5. Lazy Lacquered Frogs!

“Look at them frogs drink!” Stitt will loudly cry out to anybody that stops by his office in the future, as much of his décor will now be lacquered frogs drinking and fighting, but not fucking, because that’s immoral and he’s a Christian.

6. Meth! Meth! Meth!

As long as Stitt is governor, no one--especially Mexicans--is going to take away this cash "crop" from Oklahoma's small-towns, struggling to manufacture the addictive substance to put food on the table. Of course, Stitt needs a few kilos to take home to study the "addictiveness" of the drug in order to combat it, which makes sense.

7. Truck Full of Undocumented Citizens!

With a brand-new plantation mansion to think about, Stitt needs help in taking care of the lawn, the cooking, and, of course, absorbing the brunt of the Stitt family’s abuse whenever he reads one of these left-wing Lost Ogle pieces, written by a Mexican, no less. ¡Dame una señal y vendré y te romperé!

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Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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