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Satire

Report: Multiple Oklahoma Sheriff Websites Hacked!

8:48 AM EDT on November 4, 2021

RED ALERT, YA'LL.

Due to some servers being unprotected, those who serve and protect us Oklahomans have been under attack!

Last month, a supposed Turkish hacker defaced a bunch of Oklahoma Sheriff's Department websites, replacing links to tip lines and mug shots with links to President Erdoğan's speeches and cheap stock photos.

I have a hard time believing this was a Turkish hacker, because..,

1. Why would any hacker outside of Mark Zuckerberg identify themself?

2. Not enough Oklahomans know the country of Turkey exists for us to have a beef with the country!

So, here's 5 actual suspects in the case of the hacked sheriff's department websites!

The Russians

Putin still hasn’t forgotten about the Cold War. What makes you think he’ll forget about the Grady County Jail imprisoning accused Russian spy Maria Butina?

High School Sophomores

According to the Stillwater New Press, the website management company Light House Web Designs, which supposedly manages about 20 Oklahoma sheriff’s department websites, had not updated their server since 2017. A ticked off teenage Redditor enrolled in Computers II with a speeding ticket they’re afraid to tell their parents about could tell you that not updating your server in 4 years can definitely leave it prone to attack by hackers.

The Fire Department

If law enforcement encroaches on their territory, the fire department ain’t afraid to encroach on theirs. Maybe next time they’ll think twice before rescuing a kitten from a tree or a set of baby ducks and their distraught mother from a storm drain.

Canadian County Sheriff Posse Rejects

As we’ve covered extensively in the past, Canadian County Sheriff Chris West established a citizens’ posse to “safeguard lives and property” of the fine folks of Western Oklahoma. But because the Sheriff only recruited the cream of the crop of the military cosplayers and Dale Gribble lookalikes the county had to offer, there were bound to be some rejects who couldn’t pass the “secret test” that qualified them to join. The next time they think about disqualifying an applicant because they can’t oil a semiautomatic or have registered as a democrat within the last 5 years, they better make sure they don’t have a MySpace-level of understanding of HTML.

Antifa

Despite there being very little—if any-- evidence that Antifa is behind this attack, law enforcement and posse fellows alike could—and probably will-- say with 100% confidence that Antifa is behind this attack.

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Hayley doesn't think it was Antifa. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

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