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What Governor Stitt may uncover in Department of Education audit…

12:05 PM EDT on September 20, 2021

Good news, justice-seekers and truth-touters!

Last week, Governor Kevin Stitt requested a full audit of the Oklahoma State Department of Education after a previous audit of EPIC Charter Schools revealed the scammy district was ripping off taxpayers.

While Stitt states that the reason for this investigation would be to make sure our state government is being held accountable, State Superintendent Joy Hofmeister accused the governor of attacking the public education system. Whatever. Although I can’t think of any other time when our passive-aggressive, vindictive Governor has been accused of making things difficult for a state agency when things didn’t go his way, I’m sure he has good reason to request the investigation.

In fact, here are some financial fiascos Stitt hopes to uncover in the audit of the Oklahoma State Department of Education!

A Bake Sale Money Laundering Scheme

No one actually trusts the homemade no-bake cookies little Timmy brought from home, especially since he once brought his pet rat to show-and-tell. What is the real reason teachers are buying up these goods at the bake sale, you ask? They’re needing to launder the dirty money they got through the…


Underground JV Basketball Gambling Operation

A Junior High JV Basketball game is the last place the Feds are going to monitor for an illegal sports betting operation. But it’s the first place teachers find themselves after they’ve engaged in the…


Misappropriation of Field Trip Funds

Does it really cost each child $8 to cover round-trip bus transportation and admission to the Tomas P. Stafford Air & Space Museum in Weatherford or are teachers skimming a little off the top to line their own pockets? LuLaRoe leggings, chunky jewelry, and school spirit week t-shirts ain’t free.


World's Finest Chocolate Slush Fund

Do we really think the money made from selling those chocolates with the Burger King coupon on the back are going to schools? Fat chance. We know the money is really going to fuel those greedy teacher's chocolate addictions.


Under the table payments from PTA Lobbyists

Even teachers are sick of Ms. So-and-So’s shit after she’s somehow been voted president of the PTA for the last three years in a row. But teachers aren’t sick of the cold, hard cash they receive for making sure she holds the presidency until all three kids are out of middle school.


Janitorial Supply Closet Theft Rings

Here’s a math question for you. How many gallons of premium blend hand sanitizer and Zep laminate floor cleaner does your average public school go through each semester? The answer is, it depends on how often the 8th grade English teacher is able to flirt with the janitor long enough for the PE sub to raid the janitorial closet. The pandemic has really inflated the price of cleaning supplies on the black market.


Bribes from Parents for Primo Pick-Up Line Access

It’s a shame parents have to line up 30 minutes before school lets out just so they don’t have to wait 45 minutes in the pickup line. If only there was a way to make it quicker and easier to pick up their kids from school…


Receipts for the Construction of a Teachers’ Resort

Though the 2020 audit of EPIC found that the charter school owes around $11 million to the state of Oklahoma for payroll overages and other possible misuse of funds, some suspected something fishy to be going on in the Oklahoma education system. However, Stitt’s audit of the entire system will surely reveal that EPIC was distributing funds ethically after all and that missing $11 million actually went to build an all-inclusive teachers-only resort so the educators would have something to do with all that free time without a job in the summertime. In fact, the state audit will likely reveal…


Nothing About EPIC

Isn’t it a bit sketchy that the state auditor who “found” “evidence” of EPIC “misusing” funds in her investigation of the charter school was also “educated” in an Oklahoma public school? Being that State Auditor Cindy Byrd has had ties to the Oklahoma public education system likely since the 80s, can she really be a neutral auditor of a charter school? Who was she protecting when she placed blame on EPIC for the missing $11 million? And who will be unmasked as the real villain against the Oklahoma State Department of Education after the audit is concluded?


Author’s note: This is just a nice picture of our esteemed governor and has no relevancy to my previous, very rhetorical question.


Hayley was also educated by Oklahoma public schools, but she ain't biased. Follow her on Twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

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