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Moore PD scoops up Crest Pizza Roll Pooper!

6:15 AM EDT on September 17, 2021

It's safe to buy pizza rolls in Moore again!

After an exhaustive manhunt that didn't leave any lavatory unturned, the Moore Police Department announced they have apprehended the man accused of taking a large dump atop a bag of pizza rolls inside the grocer's freezer at Crest.

Although the Moore Police Department still hasn't released the suspect's name, we did acquire this mugshot via the Ogle Mole Network:

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

If you were living under a rock this week like me, the original story went viral in the national clickbait news scene like a raging case of norovirus.

Naturally, the newshounds at KFOR were all over the story like a blast of Febreze and talked to the unfortunate Moore Mom – Shirley Wright-Johnson – who stumbled across the carnage:

“I pick up a bag of pizza rolls and there’s literally s–t,” Shirley Wright-Johnson said in a video of the incident. “Human s–t. Excuse my language.”

A Sunday trip to the store for her and her kids turned out to be more than what the Moore mom bargained for.

“I was upset, I was disgusted, I feel like I was violated,” she said in an interview with KFOR.

Wright-Johnson said she is still trying to comprehend what happened while picking up a bag of pizza rolls in the freezer section.

“I grabbed the bag, I felt something smushy on the bag, so I turned it over and there it was,” she said.

Our hearts, and stomachs, go out to Shirley for getting caught up in this smelly situation. That had to be traumatic, and would probably make me consider a voluntary hand amputation. In fact, I call for Scott Sabolich to pay it 4-ward and offer Shirley a free new hand to put her out of her misery:

“I bleached my hand, I disinfected my hand,” she said. “All the way home they still were like, ‘Mom, I can smell it, I can smell it.’ I’m like, ‘I smell it too, baby.'”

Even two days later, Wright-Johnson still struggles to voice her frustration with what took place.

“You can’t even put it into words,” she said.

Not to blame the victim here, but this does go to show you should always be aware of what you're reaching for at the grocery store. I learned this after grabbing a rotten squishy zucchini at Buy 4 Less a few years ago, which pales in comparison to what Shirley went through.

Although the story generated negative publicity for Crest, they should try their best to spin it into a positive. I'd suggest printing it on their grocery sacks as a new reason why Crest has "rock bottom" prices.

Why does Crest have Rock Bottom Prices?

1. We own our stores!

2. We buy in large volumes!

3. Sometimes people shit in our freezer

In addition to defecating inside the store, the perp is also accused of taking upskirt photos... at a Crest in Moore. Obviously, the man has some psychological issues and needs professional treatment, which he'll probably never receive because he lives in Oklahoma.

Anyway, I guess we'll continue to follow this story. Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.

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