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5 ways to stop abortion in Oklahoma!

10:46 AM EDT on September 9, 2021

Surprise, surprise, my friends!

Earlier this year, Oklahoma lawmakers and our esteemed governor passed five brand, spankin’ new bills that aim to reduce access to abortion in Oklahoma.

While the bills are already being challenged and the Oklahoma Supreme Court has overruled approximately a bajillion other abortion restriction bills in the past, Oklahoma lawmakers would much rather waste time and resources passing useless –if not harmful—bills instead of actually doing anything helpful.

For some folks, abortion can be a necessary, but difficult and even sometimes traumatic decision. For others, terminating a pregnancy is a mindful, straight-forward decision that does not necessarily lead to grief or regret. Whether it’s due to financial instability, age, risk, or just not wanting small sticky things sucking their milk and bank accounts dry, there are multiple reasons why people choose to have an abortion.

But if our esteemed lawmakers are so hellbent on decreasing the number of terminations in this state, I’ve got a few ideas to help that don’t include passing unconstitutional bills, including…

Mandate Crocs

Nothing turns off a potential partner more than a pair of those silicone bad boys. To reduce the number of accidental pregnancies, mandate Oklahomans wear a pair of crocs until they have decided they are financially and emotionally ready for kids. An institutionalized croc-block, if you will.


Improve Access to Birth Control

Less than half of pregnancies in Oklahoma are intended and studies suggest that areas with greater access to birth control are correlated with a decrease in unplanned pregnancies and –gasp—abortions. That being said…


Don’t Work at Hobby Lobby

Back in 2014, the Supreme Court ruled that employer Hobby Lobby could refuse to allow for birth control to be covered under their employees’ health insurance plans. In other news, I couldn’t find anything online that suggested competitor Michael’s denies birth control under their insurance plans. But I did discover that the Michael’s employee discount is double that of Hobby Lobby’s, so do with that information what you will.



Improve Sex Education

As I have complained about in great, exhausting detail before, the abstinence-only sex education curriculum used by many Oklahoma public schools is about as effective in reducing the risk of unwanted pregnancies as that condom that’s been chillin’ in a billfold since sophomore year. Maybe I’m off here, but actually adding sex education to the sex education program may actually help.



Mind Your Own F*cking Business

If lawmakers are so against abortion in Oklahoma, maybe they should just put their head down and pretend it's not happening. It seems to be helpful for them to cope with the state's low minimum wage, poor access to healthcare, and education. Maybe if they don't acknowledge it, it will no longer be a problem. So mind your own f*cking business, follow the law of your beloved constitution, and stop trying to deny Oklahomans' right to a safe abortion.


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