Doin’ Donuts in the Love’s Parking Lot: Trashy Criminal Steals Trashy Preacher’s Dirtbike!

Living in Oklahoma, there are moments where, after viewing something on the news that I know can only happen here, I will sit back and say to myself “Is this a great state or what?” and then cry for a few minutes into the abyss.

Yesterday was one of those moments.

As I was searching the local news for a story to write about, presenting itself to me like dog in heat was a story of a Guthrie pastor that recently had his dirtbike stolen. While, on the surface, it might not seem like a big deal…and then I watched the clip. All the elements for a truly Oklahoma story were definitely in place.

From KFOR via YouTube:

After watching the story, I broke down the piece as to why I felt it was thoroughly ridiculous and utterly newsworthy, especially to Oklahomans. If I missed a definite piece of Okie goodness, please inform me below.

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Oklahoma Pastor with “Don’t Tread on Me” Flags.

While many Christians believe that Jesus was the ultimate defender of those that are sick, impoverished and other depressive adjectives, Oklahoma is a state that is synonymous with the belief that Jesus was one badass motherfucker that would’ve owned a 30-30 while blasting some Joe Diffie out of his truck, two large “Don’t Tread on Me” flags hanging from poles in the back. I think this pastor would agree.

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Stolen Dirtbike Recovered on the Way to a “Splash Pad”

Unless you’re rich and deserve a pool because God has anointed you—like Trump, I suppose—typical Oklahomans spend these scorching days at the splash pad—literally a construct of water-filled pipes that allow kids to take showers in a public park. It’s a cost-cutting measure that has allowed them to get rid of the pools that many of us have grown up with, yet is barely ever mentioned.

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Extended Love’s Cameo

Of course, the bike was spotted at an area Love’s Convenience Store, where the family had stopped for, I’m sure, snacks, pops and ammo.

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The World’s Worst Facial Hair.

The criminal is named Ryan Mangold—a last name that sound like something that Lee Matthews can help you (and your flaccid penis) to invest in via a shady website—and his facial hair is like an Oklahoma rainbow, with trimmed follicles raining down of you with their coiffed blessings, resembling a fill-in bassist from an up-and-coming metal band that has a guest spot at a Guthrie all-ages club on a Wednesday night.

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Pastor Threatens Gun Violence to Prove His Manhood.

 If there’s one thing about Oklahoma pastors, much like Jesus, they carry a fully loaded gun and, in their prayers, thank Kevin Stitt, the NRA and their white forefathers for blessing this state’s bloody history of firearm sexualization with Bibles and bullet-holes, whichever comes first. I believe it’s the eleventh commandment.

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Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.