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Now Hiring: Five Jobs for the Unemployed Oklahoman, Courtesy of Kevin Stitt

4:50 AM EDT on August 18, 2021

Yesterday, Governor Kevin Stitt's quest to make sure Oklahoman's can't collect unemployment during a global pandemic took another turn as the Oklahoma Supreme Court essentially blocked a lower court's ruling for the state to resume payments.

According to KOKH, this is a win for Stitt, which I guess makes it a loss for the Oklahoma people:

Win for Gov. Stitt: OK Supreme Court halts reinstatement of federal unemployment payments

The Oklahoma Supreme Court has granted the state's motion to stay in a court proceeding that will decide the future of federal unemployment payments in Oklahoma.

The state has appealed a lower court's decision to reinstate federal unemployment payments. That appeal will be allowed to move through the court system without the reinstatement of federal unemployment payments.

Once the case has made its way through the court system, the justices will decide whether or not the state had the authority to stop the federal unemployment payments.

While there is still a slight chance for reinstatement of benefits, as Stitt readies his Republican presidential or senate campaign—just saying that aloud gives me a mixture of dysphoria and diarrhea—many Oklahomans will probably be hitting the pavement hard this week, looking for something to make ends meet, at least until this can get solved, if it ever truly will.

Not all is lost though! Combing through the imaginary want ads, I found a few gigs that many Oklahomans are completely ready and willing to put on their resume—or at least their job application—and, best of all, they’re truly Stitt-approved and purely Oklahoma-sanctioned!


Part-Time Undecided Hipster

Ever since losing that job as a part-time dishwasher at the local hipster dive, life has had no meaning. As you cry to your Twitter about being an out-of-work 25-year-old that’s quite near suicide, have you thought about letting Stitt pay you for your loafing? In exchange for your lazy boasting and fashionable gripes, all he asks for is your vote in 2024. That seems like a good deal, at least to me, bro.


Part-Time Rally Supporter

The greatest casualty that the “kung-flu” has taken from us are all of our rootin’ tootin’ rallies where we respectfully cheer on our beloved leader Stitt in hot auditoriums of hundreds. While many people are still  brainwashed against attending these legally sanctioned Kristallnachts, the state-sanctioned Republican party will hire part-time supporters to do what they do best: hold signs, hurl insults and…I guess that’s it really.


Part-Time Premium Gas-Huffer

If there’s one thing that you can be sure that Stitt is going to explicitly cover, it’s his near-sexual contact with this state’s premium gas companies. With outside threats of ransoms, poisonings and such though, now is the time where Stitt calls on all the state’s gasoline huffers to get paid to do what they’ve been doing for free in abandoned houses for years: differentiating between shit…and the good shit, man.


Part-Time Gravedigger

Though the Covid hoax continues to rage in the Blue States of America, we in the Republican States of Jesus know that all these deaths are more from a lack of much necessary items like steak, beer and Toby Keith. As the liberal stragglers continue to poison our people’s pure white blood with a Satan-inspired conspiracy, Stitt sadly has to hire part-time gravediggers to keep up with the demand of death they’ve created.


Full-Time Dead Injun

Like Stitt’s grandpappy use to tell him—on their stolen land, of course—the only good injun is a dead injun and, best of all, you don’t even need to pay them! As a matter of fact, you send a bill to the family for the bullets--it's truly the Oklahoma standard.


Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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