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TLO Guide for Spotting an Unvaccinated Oklahoman

11:14 AM EDT on May 25, 2021

As you're probably aware, the CDC recently announced that in most cases fully vaccinated folks can ease up on mask-wearing and social distancing practices!

While this means many of us can shed our facemasks, shields, inhibitions and clothing when meeting up with friends, it doesn’t mean that we’ve reached herd immunity yet. Unfortunately as of early May, less than a third of Oklahomans were fully vaccinated!

For this reason, many Oklahomans likely still feel uneasy facing the public without a face covering. Thankfully, Patrick and I have created a handy dandy guide for navigating this new normal.

Here’s the official TLO guide for spotting an unvaccinated Okie!

Poor Cell Reception

This is because A) they probably live in rural Oklahoma or B) They destroyed all the 5G towers. – Hayley


They just sold you a knife at Old Paris Flea Market

In all fairness, anyone who has a booth at Old Paris Flea Market likely has immunity to all viruses and bacteria, minus the gum disease gingivitis. – Patrick


No Tan Lines or Mask-ne

People choosing to go maskless after becoming vaccinated usually have 14 months’ worth of acne scars and tan lines to even out. I have a sneaking suspicion that a Venn diagram of those who are choosing to go unvaccinated and anti-maskers is a perfect circle. – Hayley


They're in a stroller

Most people in strollers are too young to have the vaccine, but in Oklahoma, you never know. – Patrick


Truck Nuts

This is just an educated guess. – Hayley


They're speaking at the OKC "Freedom" Rally

Give Oklahoma Republicans credit. They've found someone crazy enough to make James Lankford look like a center-right moderate. – Patrick


They Make Shit Up About HIPAA

HIPAA is only relevant in medical settings and prevents places like hospitals, clinics, and other healthcare facilities from willy nillily sharing your protected health information. It does not prevent private businesses or the stoner kid checking you out at Trader Joe’s from requiring you to show proof of vaccination before shopping maskless at their store. – Hayley


They Just Stole A Package Off Your Front Porch

I think we can all agree that it's totally okay for porch pirates to skip the vaccine. – Patrick


They just tried to sell you Essential Oils

COVID-19 is no match for miracle shakes, "crazy wrap things," and thieves oil. – Hayley


Stitt Bumper Sticker

Stitt may have allegedly received a vaccine, but I doubt anyone looney enough to have his bumper sticker on their vehicle would do such a sacriglrioug things.


They’re Still Taking Precautions

Some fine folks are unvaccinated due to health conditions, pregnancy, or because they’ve had COVID-19 recently. You can usually spot them wearing masks and standing at least six feet away from you.


Vaccinated, caffeinated, motivated. Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

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