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7 reasons why The Lost Ogle is basically a church…

6:38 AM EDT on May 10, 2021

Good news, my friends! Last month, Senate Bill 368, otherwise known as the “Oklahoma Religious Freedom Act,” was signed into law. This new law deems churches and other religious institutions as “essential organizations” and aims to prevent their closure in the case of something like a goddang global pandemic.

In the past, we at TLO haven't been too thrilled with religious organizations getting special privileges. But since then, we've seen the light and realized we're not so different. In fact, here’s 7 reasons why The Lost Ogle is basically a church!

We Have a Minister

You have to have a minister to have a church.  Through patience and perseverance, I earned my minister credentials by paying $15 to order them online from the Church of the Latter Day Dude and waiting in line for like an hour at the Oklahoma County Clerk’s office downtown.

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We Have a Hell of a Congregation

On Facebook alone, we have nearly 50,000 followers. Like Life Church, our followers connect with us online. Also like Life Church…

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We Really Appreciate It When You Tithe

Like other churches, we fund many of our services through tithes given through The Lost Ogle membership. Unlike Life Church, we don’t ask for 10% of your income when you give. Though we wouldn’t decline it…

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We Read a Lot of Boring Texts That Don’t Make Sense

We at the Church of The Lost Ogle are well-versed in the law of the land. We spend hours every week pouring over dry, boring texts that aim to mandate morality and rules Oklahomans must follow. We then interpret them in our daily devotionals, making sense of the dull literature so you readers don’t have to read these stupid Senate and House Bills yourself.

We Don’t Like Paying Taxes

Granted, we do pay our taxes. But much like other churches, we don’t like paying them.

We Honor the All Mighty Figures

In the site's early days, Gary England – the Weather God of Oklahoma – was the all-mighty being we worshipped on a daily basis. Now that he's been tempted by the dark arts of science, we pay devotion to the Patron Saint of Oklahoma – Our Blessed Mother Reba McEntire, a few years ago in this article.

We Are Led by a Mysterious, Faceless Figure

Who is this “Lost Ogle” being? Like the prodigal son, is it the long-lost brother of Kevin Ogle who left the family’s business to drink booze, blow money, and try to make a name for himself? Is it a symbol for a collection of intellectuals who take it upon themselves to spread good news of Patricia’s sales and cry out against the hypocrisy of our elected officials? Or is it Kelly Ogle giving another 2 cents? Whoever this figure may be, Oklahoma is #blessed to have ‘em.

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Some of Hayley's family still think she's employed by Kelly Ogle. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a tithing member of TLO here.

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