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5 ways to cope with Oklahoma allergy season

6:59 AM EDT on April 7, 2021

[It's Always Sunny In Oklahoma, Season 114. Cue Sweet Dee walking into the Cock 'O the Walk]

"GUESS WHAT, BITCHES? IT'S ALLERGY SEASON!"

This state is a bastion of horrible things floating in the air that will make you feel like your body is dying from the inside. Between the weather, politics, and allergens, it can seem like Oklahoma is actively trying to weaken and kill us day by day.

Now that spring done dang sprung, we're coming out of ice storm season into feeling sick all the time and waiting for the next killer storm. But no fear, dear reader, we've got some tips to help you through it:

Burn Your Bradford Pears

We've done endless writing about these beautiful but disgusting plague trees. I've seen debate whether or not they cause allergies, but is it a coincidence that as soon as they bloom, everyone feels miserable? Whether or not they make you sneeze, they need to all be chopped down and blazed in a Wicker Man style bonfire.

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Snorkel In Ice Water

One of my most miserable allergy symptoms is that my face is constantly itchy. I'll wash my hands, wash my face, and still have irritated skin. Take a cue from my man Huey Lewis- if you want a new drug, try putting on a scuba mask and keeping your face submersed in your sink full of ice water.

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Be An Indoors Kid

This one is easy to do in times of quarantine, but allergens still get tracked into the house. I was very much an Indoors Kid growing up. Instead of playing sports, I was reading Calvin & Hobbes collections and watching TV. Not much has changed since then, but holing up in your abode has its advantages.

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Benadryl Coma

Personally, I shoot for the drug store off-brand off the shelf allergy medicines. Wal-Fex has been a go-to, and sometimes I wonder if it's a placebo effect or if it's actually effective, but it gets the job done 70% of the time. If you're truly miserable though, drop a couple 'dryls and maybe a shot of bourbon, crash out, and you won't know you ever felt any discomfort.

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Wear A Mask

You should be doing this anyways! Aside from filtering out harmful viruses, a mask can limit all the allergens pouring into your face. Springtime is Oklahoma dumping a beerbong full of pollen down your mouth. And even if you're all vaxxed up, keep that mask on anyways. We're not through this yet, so please, keep on keepin' on.

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If y'all got any allergy tips, please share them because I'm not having a good time with them this spring.

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