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What Oklahoma Politicians Are (Probably) Doing During the Inauguration…

4:23 AM EST on January 20, 2021

I know it’s been said before, but our long national nightmare is over…unless, of course, you live in Oklahoma.

While the more austere of us will be celebrating this new era of hope, in many of the rolling hills and lumbering yards of the more plentiful homes of Oklahoma, various politicians (and political hangers-on, natch) will be angrily watching the filmed celebration to the true democracy of America, their nails slowly digging into their hands as Biden takes his oath.

Of they'll be watching Duck Dynasty. One of the two.

Though I have no psychic powers to speak of—believe me, I checked—I still would like to offer a possible look into the lives of those Oklahoma politicians that have erred on the side of Trump, particularly this morning; maybe we’ll be able to get an inside view into just how bad their day is going and, quite possibly, the rest of their year.

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Rep. Markwayne Mullin

Though fuming at the Lost Ogle for consistently mocking his hiding skills during the recent almost-takeover of the U.S. Capitol, thankfully, now he’s even angrier that Biden is totally in charge. Sitting in his underwear while in front of his television, drinking his bargain-basement version of Jim Beam, as Biden repeats those sacred words to take over the office, Mullin’s hand crushes the glass tumbler. He looks at the blood and smiles.

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Sen. James Lankford

He came out of this recent attempted government takeover like a cartoonish crybaby, which says a lot about how confident he is in his beliefs—all of them. As he sits in the dark and questions his version of God and his plans for a paler, skeletal America, a plume of smoke and an aroma of brimstone appears behind him; a darkened figure offers him a bargain.

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Rep. Tom Cole

Cole curls his twisted lip into a sanctified smirk, laughing quietly to himself. But, as Biden takes the stage and recites the reverential presidential oath, those selfish guffaws become a storm of bloody tears dripping from his eyes as steam rises from his palms, a screaming visage of humanity. Meanwhile, in his attic, an old painting begins to hiss and smolder.

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Rep. Stephanie Bice

Although she was stopped by those “meddling kids” as she attempted to haunt the old amusement park, as the wicked Bice drops bits of newt eyes and worm toes into a boiling pot. After reciting the ancient text from a demonic tome, she smiles wickedly at the television set when Biden is transformed into the President. In the kitchen, her husband mindlessly makes another sandwich.

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Sen. Jim Inhofe

He pissed his pants. But only because he’s old.

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Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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