Last week, our esteemed Governor, Kevin Stitt, announced that the state will no longer be publishing the White House Coronavirus Task Force’s weekly report, which usually includes individualized recommendations for states to best handle the goddang global pandemic that I’m still pissed didn’t magically disappear at midnight on the 31st.
While Stitt alluded to reducing redundancy in publishing national COVID-19 statistics as the reason he decided to decline the reports, we think there’s more to it than that. Here are the 7 real reasons why Governor Stitt wants to keep the COVID-19 reports secret!
The White House Officials are being mean to him
Between the the mean ole ER nurses and Internet trolls who dragged him for taking his kids out to eat in a crowded restaurant during a goddang global pandemic, Stitt has had it up to his right eyebrow with bullies. He’s not taking that negativity into 2021 because he’s not bringing the Task Force report into 2021.
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Stitt has really gotten into “Rage Against the Machine” lately
He’s taken to heart so much of Rage’s lyrics that he’s applying the phrase,” f*ck you I won’t do what you tell me” to just about anything he perceives to be the establishment nowadays, including the White House Task Force. He has also forgotten that he was elected to the establishment about three years ago.
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Stitt wants to fulfill his campaign promise
He is a businessman who wanted to take his businessman philosophy to the capital, so we should’ve seen it coming. Anyone who has ever had a shiftwork job knows that more often than not, businesses don’t let you off just for being sick.
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The reports confirm the existence of aliens
He might actually be looking out for us here. Because by how wonky tonk 2020 was, I would not be surprised if the White House Coronavirus Task Force Report found that COVID-19 was brought to earth by aliens from Magrathea. Stitt at least knows that some of us are still recovering from New Years weekend hangovers, so we're not all in a mental state to process that information.
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It might scare people from traveling to Oklahoma
Because our government officials spent $2 million in CARES Act funding on an ad campaign featuring our esteemed governor that encourages people to travel to Oklahoma during a goddang global pandemic, it’s safe to say that releasing the White House’s report on how poorly Stitt is navigating the state through COVID-19 would be a bad idea at this point.
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He’s against misinformation
Stitt hates fearmongering as much as he loves holding press conferences that contradict correct official data on COVID-19 rates in the state.
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Stitt knows EXACTLY what he’s doing
He doesn’t need no stinking federal report to run his state! By refusing to make public the weekly White House Task Force report recommendations, Kevin Stitt is showing Oklahomans that he knows exactly what he is doing when it comes to navigating the pandemic… and that is intentionally burying criticisms and shirking the responsibility of his office.
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Have ya’ll ever noticed his right eyebrow goes much higher than his left? Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek for more insight and become a contributing member of TLO here.
