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7 Things That Make Kevin Stitt Very Uncomfortable

1:17 PM EDT on July 14, 2020

Last week, during one of his Coronavorus press conferences, Governor Kevin Stitt answered a question about why he's not mandating masks in Oklahoma:

“I’ve been very clear, I’m not comfortable with mandating masks. So, municipalities that mandate masks – that’s not something I would do,” Stitt said. “I’m going to protect the freedoms in Oklahoma. We’re not going to mandate in the state of Oklahoma, and we’re not going to be mask-shamers either.”

Yep, he's not mandating masks because he's one of those conservative tough guys that doesn't trust the scientific consensus – it's simply because he's not "comfortable. On that note, here’s 7 other things that must also make Kevin Stitt very uncomfortable!


The daily report on COVID-19 numbers in Oklahoma suggest that we opened up shop way too fucking early it may be time for our state’s leaders to reconsider loosening restrictions granted by the reopening phases. But Stitt isn’t comfortable sacrificing the state’s economy to curtail the pandemic. It seems like he’d rather sacrifice your grandparents.


His Hair Growing Out to the Point of Touching His Neck

Remember early in his “safer-at-home” initiative, Stitt declared cosmetology services “unessential” and reiterated that Oklahomans should refrain from getting haircuts until restrictions were lifted? Apparently, Stitt forgot and hired a hair and makeup stylist to re-do his do before an interview with Fox News.


Trump’s Twitter Account

Contrary to popular belief, Stitt didn’t invite Trump’s campaign to kick off in Tulsa or hold an ass-kissing round table with Donald to make the esteemed president happy. Stitt is just trying to stay on his good side to avoid being cyberbullied by Trump on twitter. Stitt knows from his years of public school and TLO stardom that there are too many colorful puns the mean kids can make with his name.



Now that Trump has moved on past Oklahoma on his campaign trail and began wearing his “Lone Ranger” style mask, Stitt finally feels safe enough to advocate for the safety of wearing a mask while cavorting in public places. But as we’ve said, Stitt says he isn’t quite comfortable making the decision to mandate mask-wearing in Oklahoma. In Dungeons & Dragons, we call this difficulty in decision-making, “analysis paralysis.” In the real world, we call this, “ineffective leadership.”


1970s-Era Wallpaper

Spokesfolk for our esteemed governor state that the first family chose not to move into the Governor’s Mansion due to the estate falling into “disrepair” and needing approximately $2 million in renovations before it is habitable. The news stories framed the renovations as being structural, such as fixing leaking roofs and sealing the foundation. But in reality, Stitt is refusing to call the mansion home until David Boren’s risque 1975-era wallpaper choices are expunged.


Being Disagreed with

From filling his cabinet with “yes-men,” to disregarding health experts’ guidelines for reopening the state, it seems like Stitt may feel uncomfortable when someone disagrees with him.


A World without Margs

Kevin Stitt made it clear a couple of weeks ago that he had “absolutely no plans” to return to limited business activity to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. And let’s face it, there is only so much a curbside or to-go menu has to offer. And so we can only assume Kevin Stitt is uncomfortable living in a world with closed or restricted businesses because it means living in a world without Chili’s “Top Shelf Margaritas.”


Hayley is also uncomfortable living in a world without Top Shelf Margaritas. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek

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