This past Saturday, the nation briefly focused its eyes on Tulsa, Oklahoma, as hundreds of thousands of sane people stayed home to watch approximately 6,500 brainwashed rubes gather at the BOK Center to see their deranged orange cult leader – President Donald Trump – insult his opponents, complain about Coronavirus testing, and mansplain why he can no longer walk down a ramp unassisted.
To say the event was anti-climatic and over-hyped would be a colossal understatement. Although 6,500 people gathering in an arena during a pandemic to listen to a celebrity politician rant is still impressive, the event was billed by Trump, twitter bots and the media as some sort of WWE Raw meets Contagion meets V for Vendetta meets Woodstock monster truck rally, and thankfully failed to live up to that hype.
Anyway, I monitored and shared real-time thoughts on the rally on Twitter, but also thought it would be fun to recap some winners and losers for the mothership. Here we go...
Winner: James Lankford
Haha! Look at Dorkus wearing a facemask! What a loser pansy!
Actually, I'm kidding. Back in April, social media gave James Lankford a hard time for buying essential flowers during a pandemic while not wearing a facemask, so let's give him an attaboy for wearing a facemask at what equated to a cult rally for people who don't treat the pandemic seriously. Sure, Lankford still may still have some frustratingly archaic views, and should never be forgiven for bending the knee to Trump, but wearing a mask in that building took almost as much courage as simply doing the right thing and not attending.
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Loser: Jim Inhofe
Jim Inhofe was officially endorsed by Donald Trump at the rally. Although Trump's endorsement may seem like a good thing in Oklahoma, I doubt it will move the needle in any direction for Senator Senile. It would be like cake endorsing ice cream. Plus, it will probably hurt Inhofe's legacy in 75 years when they're renaming monuments and removing statues of Trump supporters.
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Loser: G.T. Bynum
Tulsa mayor G.T. Bynum is similar to OKC mayor David Holt – a.k.a. Mayor McSelfie – in the same way the Lacey Swope is similar to Emily Sutton. Or something like that.
Just like Mayor McSelfie, G.T. Bynum is affable and accessible on social media, has modern views on some social issues, and probably wears sneakers when he dons a suit. He also does a good job hiding that, at his core, he's a GOP loyalist who follows a conservative ideology, and when put on the spot, will likely choose to do what's right for his party and its elites over what's right for his constituents.
Unfortunately, that last part was a bit hard for G.T. to hide when he signed off on an event that organizers claimed would bring up to 100,000 people to Tulsa as it deals with a rapid spike in Coronavirus cases. He could have tried to block the event out of safety and protection for his city's residents, but instead rolled over and showed his belly when Stitt, Inhofe and the Trump campaign came calling.
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Winner: Jack Graham
While G.T. was failing to pull off his balancing act, one of his aides quit:
I don't know who Jack Graham is, but that's a badass way to quit your job. I wonder if he also left a mean note on Glass Door?
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Loser: Tulsa PD
After being blamed by Trump's campaign manager for having too strong of a presence outside the arena, the Tulsa PD thanked Tulsa, and talked shit on the media, for the lack of violent protests:
Yeah, outside of the President of the United States ignoring the advice of health experts and planning a massive rally in Tulsa during a global pandemic the day after Juneteeth, there was nothing controversial to report. Well, outside of the Tulsa PD arresting a peaceful protestor at the request of the Trump campaign. It kind of makes you wonder which group was truly bored by the lack of controversy.
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Winner: Sleepy OK National Guard Troops
One weekend a month, two weeks a year, and a few minutes of shut-eye doesn't sound like a bad gig!
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Winner: Oklahoma Earthquakes
They're baaaack! Oklahoma's man-made earthquakes made a triumphant return with a 4.5 rattler striking near Perry on Saturday night. It was strong enough to be felt in both Tulsa and my living room in NW OKC. It was a reminder that the Coronavirus isn't the only invisible man-made threat stalking our state.
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Loser: Harold Hamm
According to sources, Continental Resources CEO Harold Hamm scheduled the earthquake to strike at 7:30 p.m. CST to show Trump the power and might of American energy independence, but one of his wastewater injection wells got clogged and the earthquake got pushed back nearly three hours. Mr. Hamm should have someone with OU investigate immediately!
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Winner: Coronavirus
Sure, the event underwhelmed. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people didn't converge on Tulsa and ignite a race war. That being said, getting 6,500 hundred people in a room to breathe, sneeze, and yawn on each other was great for the Coronavirus:
Seriously, thanks to this event the Coronavirus will now spread even easier throughout the community, get more people sick and possibly kill some folks, too. Way to go, Coronavirus! You're a winner!
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Loser: Donald Trump
Hopefully, I'll be able to call him a loser in November, too.
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