Last week, KFOR reported that hundreds of authors, musicians, and other artists can now retrieve the work they once submitted to Tate Publishing & Enterprises-- a recently defunct Oklahoma-based vanity publishing company known for its sketchy business practices, treating employees like dirt and giving Patrick plenty things to write about over the years.
Though thousands of books and songs submitted never made it to the shelves before the company shut down, Tate Publishing still produced years and years of quality literature. With Christmas around the corner, I found seven books real books that will make great dirty santa gifts...
Driving Tips from Grandpa
The book Driving Tips from Grandpa explores common questions and struggles teenagers share when taking the wheel for the first time and offers advice by a wise old man on how to navigate the road. Tips include “always leave your blinker on for at least 3-7 miles before you turn,” “drive at least 15 miles per hour under the speed limit,” and “parking spot lines are only suggestions.”
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Seeing God in the Simple Things
Seeing God in the Simple Things totes itself as an inspirational novel that provides a Christian-based understanding about the human condition. The author challenges her readers to be mindful and strive to see God in everyday life. I don’t know what this book is teaching, but the last time I met someone who claimed to see God they were three days and two colorful strips deep into a music festival. Plus, I wouldn’t trust a book whose cover doesn’t know how shadows work.
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Bobby Bright Becomes a Professor and Is Lost at Sea and Bobby Bright Meets His Maker: The Shocking Truth is Revealed
This book is about a young boy, Remington, who is gifted a set of Christmas lights by his grandparents in Spain. The boy is shocked when he discovers that one of the lightbulbs, Bobby Bright, can talk to him. The readers are shocked with the storyline reveals that Bobby the lightbulb gets his college degree and goes on vacation in the Mediterranean Sea with the young boy before the two join forces to save a mysterious old man from a lonely Christmas. I don’t know what this book is teaching, but the last time I met someone who claimed to talk to Christmas lightbulbs they were three days and two colorful strips deep into a music festival.
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The Operations and Maintenance Manual for Female Homosapiens
According to the Amazon book description, this operation manual attempts to provide insight into the woman’s psyche in a clear and concise way to allow men to gain a greater understanding of their wives’ needs and desires. According to the Amazon reviews, this book tells women to stop PMS-ing and helps men to convince their wives to sleep with them again. If that’s your idea of operations and maintenance, I don’t think it’s your wife who's broken.
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The Rapture Secret: Why Are We Still Here?
What will the rapture be like? Why hasn’t it already happened? Will my soul be prepared when that day comes? This book explores the hard questions that nobody is asking. But you’ll regret not buying this book when you find yourself doomed to spend the next seven years wandering the fiery earth with Kirk Cameron.
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A Possum’s Night on the Titanic
The book’s description begs the question, “Do you know the story of the Titanic?” By the cover of this book, I’m guessing the role possums played in the sinking of the ship was downplayed in my high school’s history books. I wish I could say this was the strangest Titanic fanfiction I’ve ever come across, but this one that explores a latently sexual relationship between Iron Man and Spiderman if it were to happen on board the Titanic definitely takes the cake. If only Tate Publishing were still open, then this eBook could finally get the formal publication it deserves.
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Geordi Giraffe and the Evil Spell
The book’s description only informs the reader that something is “awry” in the town of Palm Tree. Which leaves so many more questions! Like, why is Geordi Giraffe wearing a sweater? What exactly is this evil spell? And why is this book listed for $550 on Amazon?
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Hayley has $550 burning a hole in her pocket. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek
